Tyler is firmly Team V, and he has the new haircut and the space shuttle to prove it. Anna is excited to start the breeding program, but Tyler's phosphorus levels aren't high enough yet to breed. Anna finds a replacement in a Spanish studmuffin and pimps him out to Lisa. When Lisa balks, Anna gets suspicious. She tells Joshua to tell Lisa that he is having emotions and report her reaction back to him. Luckily Lisa has Grandma Diana to offer her counsel and hugs (!!), and Lisa passes Joshua's test, mostly. But Lisa can't handle being her mommy's li'l ho, and she sends the Spaniard away. She and Anna fight and Lisa wollops her mother in the face. Anna smooshes her face and reminds her that she is not the queen yet. Anna marches off to tell Joshua to prepare an alternate for Lisa. She has one egg left and he needs to hatch it, preferably in the hybrid baby. Oh shit, babies having babies. I guess they don't get "Teen Mom" in space. The Visitors are also using the hybrid baby to test their aging technology. So poof, she's a toddler.
Erica is assuming the leadership of the Fifth Column, and the perks are great: First stop is a trip to Hong Kong! She schools the terrorists in dealing with a white lady with nothing to lose. Her crack team of Chad, Jack, Kyle and Sid (remember Sid?) all brainstorm about why the Visitors are there and how they can stop them. They suddenly realize that the answer lies in Erica's ob/gyn, obviously. Please, you always knew ob/gyns were evil. So Erica and Kyle break into her ob's apartment and prove that she is a Visitor, but she suicides herself before they can get anything useful from her. Kyle cracks her safe, he and Erica have a moment (she's cheating on Jack, the slore!), then they grab the info and run. With the information in the safe, they realize that there are 29 boys being watched/tested on by the Visitors, meaning 28 boys who are probably less annoying than Tyler. Then Erica discovers that the prenatal vitamins she took were some advanced V technology. Malpractice much?
Chad Decker goes to talk to Lisa on board the mothership. He tries to convince her that he is working with Erica, but no one really believes him. Still. He begs her to help find out what the Visitors did to the unlucky participants in the Live Aboard Program. She doesn't tell him anything right then, but sends him the info later. He fills in the group on Lisa's intel: They are stealing DNA from the Live Aboards they hand-selected for their exceptional DNA. Erica summarizes: The Visitors are using the humans' DNA to fast-track their own evolution. This new information is useful for convincing the rest of The Fifth Column that she's the boss of them.
Surprise! Ryan Nichols isn't dead! He grabs Jack on the street and preys on his mercy and kindness, but Jack's nobody's priest now, and even he won't absolve Ryan of his sins. Alas, Anna has no use for him, either, and his daughter barely recognizes him. Guys, I think Morris Chestnut needs a hug. Any volunteers?
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates doesn't want to hug a Visitor. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Hello. Welcome back to V. Shall we see if the show can manage to make good on the hint of promise that it revealed last week? Hinting at vast untapped potential, in the clips from last week they show Tyler getting slapped. They could just show that on a loop for twenty minutes and this show would be better than most of the ABC comedy lineup and, obviously, No Ordinary Family.
Tyler is alone in a room on the Mothership sitting on a table/chair (chable? tair?) wearing a space cape (spape?) waiting for Anna and Mr. Turtleneck to join him. Anna holds back a giggle as she tells Tyler she is super sad about his father's untimely demise and she was watching and it was totally his mom's fault. So he made the right choice in joining the Visitors. But before they can launch him into space where he can live out his lifelong dream of re-enacting that scene in Star Wars where Luke outshoots the more skilled pilots to deliver the fatal blow to the Death Star, Tyler must pass one more physical exam. Then they shave his head with a loud swell of ominous music creating drama (not really). What the heck sort of physical is that? I assume it is something like, "Can he withstand our technologically advanced Flowbee device? If so, he will be able to survive the vacuum of space." Also, despite being a space ship of limited girth, there must be a surplus of real estate on the old mothership because the room Tyler is getting his hair cut in is approaching cathedral size. Sorry, New Yorkers are obsessed with real estate. Along with their surefire dermatology lure, the Visitors should build some luxury condos and advertise: "Spacious apartments, low move-in costs, high ceilings, amazing views, no pets." If you build it, they will come!
After the shearing, Anna and Mr. Turtleneck hit the hallways to walk and talk about the future of the Visitors, which is all moving along according to Anna's plan: Tyler is all hers, Concordia is being built, and human women will soon be impregnated with tadpole juice or whatever.
Father Jack has moved out of the rectory and thanks to Kyle's generous offer he will be sharing the grotty basement apartment/Fifth Column HQ. All of Father... er, I guess I have to stop calling him that. So let's try that again: all of Jack's worldly possessions fit into three duffel bags, which he mentions rather forlornly, but seems appropriate what with him being a priest and not having a Wii and 42 games, four pairs of jeans, and a two year back catalogue of Sports Illustrated or whatever it is thin caricatures of men collect.