Tyler is firmly Team V, and he has the new haircut and the space shuttle to prove it. Anna is excited to start the breeding program, but Tyler's phosphorus levels aren't high enough yet to breed. Anna finds a replacement in a Spanish studmuffin and pimps him out to Lisa. When Lisa balks, Anna gets suspicious. She tells Joshua to tell Lisa that he is having emotions and report her reaction back to him. Luckily Lisa has Grandma Diana to offer her counsel and hugs (!!), and Lisa passes Joshua's test, mostly. But Lisa can't handle being her mommy's li'l ho, and she sends the Spaniard away. She and Anna fight and Lisa wollops her mother in the face. Anna smooshes her face and reminds her that she is not the queen yet. Anna marches off to tell Joshua to prepare an alternate for Lisa. She has one egg left and he needs to hatch it, preferably in the hybrid baby. Oh shit, babies having babies. I guess they don't get "Teen Mom" in space. The Visitors are also using the hybrid baby to test their aging technology. So poof, she's a toddler.
Erica is assuming the leadership of the Fifth Column, and the perks are great: First stop is a trip to Hong Kong! She schools the terrorists in dealing with a white lady with nothing to lose. Her crack team of Chad, Jack, Kyle and Sid (remember Sid?) all brainstorm about why the Visitors are there and how they can stop them. They suddenly realize that the answer lies in Erica's ob/gyn, obviously. Please, you always knew ob/gyns were evil. So Erica and Kyle break into her ob's apartment and prove that she is a Visitor, but she suicides herself before they can get anything useful from her. Kyle cracks her safe, he and Erica have a moment (she's cheating on Jack, the slore!), then they grab the info and run. With the information in the safe, they realize that there are 29 boys being watched/tested on by the Visitors, meaning 28 boys who are probably less annoying than Tyler. Then Erica discovers that the prenatal vitamins she took were some advanced V technology. Malpractice much?
Chad Decker goes to talk to Lisa on board the mothership. He tries to convince her that he is working with Erica, but no one really believes him. Still. He begs her to help find out what the Visitors did to the unlucky participants in the Live Aboard Program. She doesn't tell him anything right then, but sends him the info later. He fills in the group on Lisa's intel: They are stealing DNA from the Live Aboards they hand-selected for their exceptional DNA. Erica summarizes: The Visitors are using the humans' DNA to fast-track their own evolution. This new information is useful for convincing the rest of The Fifth Column that she's the boss of them.
Surprise! Ryan Nichols isn't dead! He grabs Jack on the street and preys on his mercy and kindness, but Jack's nobody's priest now, and even he won't absolve Ryan of his sins. Alas, Anna has no use for him, either, and his daughter barely recognizes him. Guys, I think Morris Chestnut needs a hug. Any volunteers?
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates doesn't want to hug a Visitor. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Hello. Welcome back to V. Shall we see if the show can manage to make good on the hint of promise that it revealed last week? Hinting at vast untapped potential, in the clips from last week they show Tyler getting slapped. They could just show that on a loop for twenty minutes and this show would be better than most of the ABC comedy lineup and, obviously, No Ordinary Family.
Tyler is alone in a room on the Mothership sitting on a table/chair (chable? tair?) wearing a space cape (spape?) waiting for Anna and Mr. Turtleneck to join him. Anna holds back a giggle as she tells Tyler she is super sad about his father's untimely demise and she was watching and it was totally his mom's fault. So he made the right choice in joining the Visitors. But before they can launch him into space where he can live out his lifelong dream of re-enacting that scene in Star Wars where Luke outshoots the more skilled pilots to deliver the fatal blow to the Death Star, Tyler must pass one more physical exam. Then they shave his head with a loud swell of ominous music creating drama (not really). What the heck sort of physical is that? I assume it is something like, "Can he withstand our technologically advanced Flowbee device? If so, he will be able to survive the vacuum of space." Also, despite being a space ship of limited girth, there must be a surplus of real estate on the old mothership because the room Tyler is getting his hair cut in is approaching cathedral size. Sorry, New Yorkers are obsessed with real estate. Along with their surefire dermatology lure, the Visitors should build some luxury condos and advertise: "Spacious apartments, low move-in costs, high ceilings, amazing views, no pets." If you build it, they will come!
After the shearing, Anna and Mr. Turtleneck hit the hallways to walk and talk about the future of the Visitors, which is all moving along according to Anna's plan: Tyler is all hers, Concordia is being built, and human women will soon be impregnated with tadpole juice or whatever.
Father Jack has moved out of the rectory and thanks to Kyle's generous offer he will be sharing the grotty basement apartment/Fifth Column HQ. All of Father... er, I guess I have to stop calling him that. So let's try that again: all of Jack's worldly possessions fit into three duffel bags, which he mentions rather forlornly, but seems appropriate what with him being a priest and not having a Wii and 42 games, four pairs of jeans, and a two year back catalogue of Sports Illustrated or whatever it is thin caricatures of men collect.
Kyle scoots over his twelve tight black t-shirts to make room. Before they can lay a jump rope down the middle of the room to stake out their territory, Erica joins the party. She is wearing a black leather jacket and face to match. She means bizness. The doorbell rings and Kyle has his gun loaded before Erica can explain that the man at the door is John Fierro, Cohen's second in command, the guy who should have been the leader of the Fifth Column had Erica not been appointed leader for no real reason. But Fierro is game to follow meekly in her footsteps so Erica wants to introduce him to her team. Kyle cannot believe that she gave him his address. He sounds so offended it's like he's worried the guy is going to send him unsolicited Edible Arrangements or Jehovah's Witnesses. Erica introduces Fierro to her top lieutenants (even though there are no other lieutenants). Fierro promises his allegiance to Erica, kisses her ring, and then tells her that there is a gathering of other bigger better lieutenants in Bangkok. Fierro strongly suggests that they go and meet the troops and stage a USO show. Kyle claims to have tap-danced across Asia so he's in. I have to say, Erica, I'm a little jealous of the perks of this new job of yours. Freelance writing doesn't lend itself to spur of the moment trips to Bangkok. Sad emoticon face accompanied by world's smallest violin.
Ackkkk! Tyler's in his underwear!!!! I'm blind!!!!!! He is also being scanned while Anna, Joshua and Mr. Turtleneck examine his results. Unfortunately for Tyler and the future of the Visitors' race, his phosphorus levels are low despite Red Rain and hours of listening to [one of the worst] Peter Gabriel [songs ever]. Anna tells Joshua to administer a high dose of phosphorus and if that doesn't take then Tyler is useless to them. Anna quickly finds a back-up stud (in the equine sense) in Rafael from Barcelona, who is undoubtedly far, far less annoying than Tyler. Anna orders him to be brought on board and then goes and tells Tyler that he passed and is getting sent on an overnight mission somewhere far from Lisa who will be busy. Tyler thanks Anna profusely for this opportunity. Anna laughs and figures out whether killing him or saddling his mother with him for eternity would be more evil. Then she does that Dr. Evil pinky to the mouth thing so we know she is, indeed, evil.
After a few scenes pasted together to give us the idea that the team is actually in Thailand, and not at what looks to be a park in Vancouver? There are a half dozen lieutenants (mostly white guys, natch, plus one girl who looks like she is embedded at Vogue) standing in a semi-circle around Kyle and Erica and Fierro who are all wearing sunglasses so they look more sinister. One guy tells them that they already have plans in motion to avenge Cohen's death. So they started them before he died? Okay, show, sure. Kyle makes some snappish comment about suicide bombers being like throwing pebbles at a giant (by pebbles he means body parts and viscera, I gather) and apparently the Fifth Column is a very sensitive bunch because they move to storm off in a huff over that. Erica barks, "Wait." And they all turn and wait like eager puppies hoping for a milk bone. She reminds them that Cohen died because his plan didn't work. She has contacts on the ship and access they will never have. I guess they are supposed to find that compelling enough to make her queen? Why doesn't she mention that her team killed Anna's no. 2? Sure, Cohen was there, but he didn't actually do anything. Fierro adds that Cohen appointed her and they owe it to him to at least try her out. Erica nods and tells them her big plan is to bring the war to Anna. I guess that explanation suffices, because one of the lieutenants shrugs that she can have the job until she fucks up and then they will kill her, dance on her grave, and put someone more qualified into position. Then all the lieutenants shuffle off to go eat pad see yoo or something instead of hanging out and, say, figuring out a plan to blow the mothership out of the sky. Really? You all flew all the way to Bangkok for a five-minute corporate huddle? Your overhead is outrageous! This is totally going to cut into shareholder profits.
Just when you think the Fifth Column will build up some momentum and blow some shit up, we cut back to the mothership. Come on, show! You only have a few episodes left to actually do something, so, you know, hop to it! Instead Anna goes to report to Lisa that Tyler is shipping out. Lisa reports that Tyler hasn't spoken to his mommy in a week and they are becoming his family. Anna really doesn't care because she wants Lisa to "entertain" Rafael now. Lisa points out that Tyler might "sense" her disloyalty, which is really a lot to expect from Tyler who seems as intuitive as a shoebox. Anna tells her to shut up and do what she says. And has she been putting the lotion on her skin? If not, she'll get the hose again. Okay, that's not fair, Anna's not a serial killer making a lady suit. She already has a skin suit. No, she's just a pimp. And if this show has any hope of getting picked up for a third season (that's not a joke, stop laughing) it needs to have Anna humming "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp" by the end of the episode