Anna has a new plan for destroying humanity, and it's a pretty, pretty building that doubles as a spaceship docking station/womenfolk gathering port. I do love a multitasking architecture. Anna names it "Concordia," and the Visitors are having a last-minute hootenanny to celebrate the joyous occasion of preparing humanity for soul destruction and also breeding. Obviously, Erica is doing all the security for the shindig. So when Ryan forms an unholy alliance with Eli Cohen to assassinate the heck out of Anna, save his daughter, and/or hand the leader of the Fifth Column over to the Visitors, it's super-awkward for Erica.
Erica is still Very Disappointed with Tyler for trashing a church. So she bakes him a cake and calls his father. Joe shows up at her office and she tells him the truth about the Visitors and Tyler. Everything from the wonky DNA to the truth about the lizard people to the prenatal testing. They decide that the only hope for Tyler is if Erica and Joe send him on a soul-searching cross-country roadtrip on a motorcycle. But Anna is watching the birthday party and can't let Tyler leave. Her only choice is to give Tyler a really awesome birthday present that will make him stay. A pony? A Maybach? No. He gets his own space shuttle! Take that stupid motorcycle and shove it. Obviously Erica is super-embarrassed, so she decides she is a-okay with the assassination vacation. One-upping the competition is one of those silly human emotional things.
In response to humanity's fickle nature, Chad Decker's television station is shaking things up and bringing in an anti-V counterpoint to Chad's alien love fest. A hottie from Boston gets the job. I am sure this will be important at some point in the future.
The night of the gala, the whole team is working in concert. Father Jack stages a protest outside the event to distract the security and the FBI. Erica brings Kyle and Eli Cohen in the back door to set up their sniper rifles. Ryan had to skip the party because his pretty face is too recognizable to the Visitors. Also, he is hearing voices that are reminding him that only Anna's Bliss can alleviate his daughter's pain. Then someone (*cough* Ryan *cough*) mysteriously tips off the Visitors to the assassination plan. So Anna's No. 2, Marcus, takes her place at the podium. He introduces Tyler as the first human space shuttle pilot and then brings Erica up on stage to show off the Evans clan as the perfect family of the future. Kyle has no choice but to shoot Marcus in the chest for being soooo cheesy.
What's the fallout from the shooting? Marcus may not survive the shot. Tyler isn't joining the shuttle program. Erica is getting officially investigated by the FBI. Anna takes Ryan's baby and Kyle gets mad. Good plan, guys!
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates wishes Kyle had killed Tyler instead. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Once again Chad Decker is a guest on Anna's spaceship, which is not a euphemism. While regular viewers would have once thought it was a euphemism due to Chad and Anna's interplanetary chemistry, now that Chad has realized that Anna is a lizard on the inside, he's just not that into her. So the chemistry has cooled off. Most women would have sensed this cooling and recognized it as not only disinterest, but also disgust, but the block of wood who plays Anna has no emotions and, hence no clue, that Chad is now creeped out instead of creeping on. So he stands with his arms crossed over his nether regions a respectful three yards from Anna while she explains her latest "gift" to mankind. It's a giant building that looks like a cross between Hagia Sofia and the Emerald City but with more space ships that Anna has dubbed Concordia. Which, by the way, is the name of the Lutheran college where my Lutheran elementary school would have their annual Lutheran Elementary School tournaments and I was bested in the semi-final round of the chess competition by an even bigger nerd from Kalispell, Montana, thus ruining my chance to ever be crowned Nerdiest Lutheran, although I still have my sash from my many years' rule as Champion of Bible Baseball. So the name is positively fraught with meaning for me.
Anna outlines the benefits of her plan in terms humans in this economy can really relate to: Employment! This place will employ humans from across the globe. Of course Anna means employment in the sense of "employing your women for breeding purposes" but that is a harder sell than you know, money and food on the table and stuff. Anna tells Chad and the gathered camera crew that she is throwing a gala that very night to introduce Concordia to the world. Tonight? She's throwing the party tonight? That right there should be a sign that something is very very wrong with Anna. I mean, a real humanoid girl would know that getting your eyebrows waxed, your hair styled, and finding the perfect gown takes a heck of a lot more time than eight hours. I mean, yes, Anna can order Rachel Zoe and Ken Paves to be brought aboard her ship, but what about the guests? Are they just supposed to clear their schedules? And where is she finding a venue in New York City to host a gala on a moment's notice? Is she just going to bump the Wu-Rabinovitz wedding for her announcement? I think not. That's it. NOW the show has crossed the line into complete ridiculousness.
Down on earth, Erica totally agrees with me. She turns off the TV at the lack of authenticity in the show. Instead she watches Tyler trash the church again. THAT at least had a soupcon of realism. She calls her ex-husband to talk about their son. Tyler tromps down the stairs with the grace of an epileptic elephant. Speaking of lack of realism, instead of confronting Tyler about trashing a sacred sanctuary, not to mention her friend's office, and breaking several laws, plus being stupid enough to leave his cell phone at a crime scene, Erica LITERALLY baked Tyler a cake. She gives him a big hug, presents him with the cake and reminds him that he is a man now, but she is still his mother. That's good, Erica, set some boundaries. If this is a sample of Erica's parenting, I think we are finally understanding why Tyler is such a tool. He thanks her and heads off to meet Lisa who is still dating him. This is not realistic at all. Seriously, this is less realistic than aliens coming to earth to breed with us.
Up on the ship, Anna reveals her real plans for Concordia (space intruder, hide yo wife, hide yo daughter, yadda yadda) to the ship's engineer, who is not someone we have seen before, but who has delightful taste in turtlenecks. No. 2 points out to Anna that tonight's last minute gala is probably a tempting target for the Fifth Column what with the last minute nature of the event preventing actual security measures and precautions being put into place. Anna is not worried. She knows that Ryan Nichols will prevent the Fifth Column from doing anything. Not to beat a dead point, but this is not very realistic either. I mean, why does Anna think that Ryan, one guy who doesn't really leave the greater NYC area, can prevent a global network of terrorists? Has she seen one too many Norris-Seagal-Stallone movies where one man saves the world from destruction? Anyway, Anna is not concerned. And she is the queen and they have to do what she says or else she will eat them and their young.
Ryan is hanging out in an alley waiting for Eli Cohen. He rolls up in a black Mercedes with a driver, which is a pretty swank ride for a terrorist. Isn't he supposed to be hiding a yurt in upstate New York or something? And wouldn't any NYC cop worth his badge wonder why a Mercedes was parked in some grody alleyway? That doesn't looks suspicious in the least. Eli Cohen pops out of the car and asks Ryan what's up. Ryan explains that Erica doesn't know he is there, but he needs Eli's help. You see, Anna has his daughter and he needs to kill her dead, murdered, stabbed (yes, that's an Adventures in Babysitting reference) and contrary to Anna's opinion, he can't do it alone. Eli Cohen points out that Erica would not approve, but Ryan thinks he can convince her. That's good enough for Eli, I guess, because he shrugs and tells Ryan that they are going to assassinate Anna tonight. Eli is not very suspicious or cynical for a terrorist.
Erica is hard at work at FBI HQ when her boss tells her and her new partner that they have to vet every guest coming to the gala tonight. Erica bemoans the possibility of ever getting the work done, but then takes a break to go explain the entire history of Visitor-human relations and Tyler's genetic anomalies to her ex-husband who has just stopped by the office. Her new partner must really like her about now. Joe, Erica's ex, is having a hard time processing it all, I think. Although his acting is about on par with everyone else's Stella Adler skills on this show so while he SAYS he is having a hard time processing the information that his son is a target of alien invaders it never translates into a concerned facial expression. I wonder if the director encourages this acting stoicism? Or if he has just thrown up his hands at the whole affair? I do love the idea of a director yelling at his cast, "No! How many times do we have to go through this? Use your face LESS. Just act with your words." Anyway, Joe wants to know what he and Erica can do to fight against the great peril looming over their son. Erica has a plan. The one thing that the Visitors can't provide Tyler is a family. So they will give Tyler a family.
Up on the old spaceship, Lisa is getting Tyler's birthday present ready. As Tyler is turning 18 today, Lisa is buying him porn, lottery tickets, cigarettes, spray paint, and is forcing him to sign a contract that he won't destroy any more churches during their dates any more, because that's a real downer and she deserves better.
Anna interrupts Lisa's concentration as she is drafting the third clause of the second paragraph in part II of the contract where Tyler has to tell Lisa she is pretty once an hour or else he will never get any girly action again. Speaking of girly action, I'm sure many of you have already thought about this, but I try to think about this show as little as possible less I stop moving my forehead and recite words dead-eyed into the camera, too, but you know how the lizard people spray their fake human skin on? How far does that skin extend? Like when a Visitor goes to the Ear Nose Throat doctor, what does that doctor see exactly? And when Tyler, you know, acts on his ...er, right to pursue happiness with Lisa what exactly is going on? I know, I know, this is a slippery slope line of questioning, first because, ew, naked Tyler, second because, such questions may begin to poke holes in the otherwise highly believable plot. Anyhoo, where were we? Oh right, Anna reminds Lisa that Tyler turning 18 means that he doesn't have to listen to mommy and daddy anymore and he can come be their love slave