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Mommy Issues

Chad Decker has returned to Father Jack's church with a laptop and a dream of redemption. He has interviewed a bazillion people (okay, 20) about their experiences living aboard the Visitors' ships. They all report the same thing: Happiness and light and then needles in their eyeballs and nightmares. Every interviewee had the same nightmare, over and over. Chad shows the interviews to Father Jack to prove that he is seeking the path of redemption. He wants Father Jack to use those interviews in the fight, he wants Father Jack to use HIM in the fight. He wants to broadcast the interviews and show the world what the Visitors are doing. He doesn't know what else to do.

Talk about awkward segues, we go from a Catholic church to a teenage love nest. Pope Benedict does NOT approve of condom use to prevent alien-human hybrids. Despite that dictum, up on the Mothership, Lisa and Tyler are about to do something naughty. Lisa really missed Tyler during the four days they were apart. Tyler, being a moron and/or brain damaged, thought four days radio silence was a sign that Lisa didn't want to be with him anymore. To prove how wrong that is, Lisa takes her dress off revealing Victoria's Secret's finest. Tyler swiftly rips off his shirt and takes Lisa in his arms. As the dulcet tones of Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now" starts playing, the two crazy kids fall to the bed and mush their mouths together seductively. Good thing they are only on naked first base, because Anna is totally watching through Lisa's iSight inJacket camera. I totally saw this on SVU last week. Someone call Stabler, stat!

Anna applauds her daughter's "performance" and reports to No. 2 that Lisa will make a great queen someday. No. 2 wrinkles his nose with a serious case of the yucks at having Anna rate her daughter's dalliances. I mean, I know they are aliens, but watching your daughter mate has got to be a universal gross out. Anna finally turns off her personal porn channel to talk business with No. 2. He has the solemn duty of reporting... oh, who are we kidding, everything with that guy is solemn. So he walks up and tells her that her soldier babies who survived the attack have taken a turn for the worse and she needs to see them. Anna nods emotionlessly and remarks that soon the phosphorus levels in humans will be high enough. For what? FOR WHAT?! The cliffhangers on this show!

Back at NYU (new and improved with parking lots!) Sidney is working on a brain teaser. How can Anna be a lizard when she's so hot?? Ha ha JK JK, he jokes when he's nervous. And who wouldn't be nervous with Erica, Ryan, and Kyle all standing within arm's reach of him breathing heavily? I mean, give a guy a little space, eh? Sidney is stumped until he realizes that he used Col. Sanders' computer the other day to run a test on the Red Rain. There was a compound in it that was identical to an unidentifiable compound in his V skeleton. The Visitors must have thought it was Col. Sanders doing the work and that's why they want to kill him. Sidney seems more relieved that the Vs don't know it's him than concerned for his colleague. Is this the academia our children will be reared in? This level of vitriol and invective cannot be a good learning environment for our children. What about the children, I say? What about the children??

Erica demands that Sidney show them all his research on the mystery compound. With one look at the compound, Ryan V-know-it-all that he is, knows exactly what it is: A type of phosphorous only found on their home planet. He explains that Visitors need phosphorous to survive and breed. He had to give it to Val while she was pregnant. They all start brainstorming about what elevated levels of phosphorous on earth could mean: It's in the soil, in the water, in the air, in every single human. There's only one reason they would need that: For breeding. * cue ominous music (may I suggest Whitney Houston?) * Kyle lays it out even more plainly: First they want to bite us, then they want to shag us? Erica is too busy staring at the V skeleton to laugh. Ryan finally calls out, "Whatcha lookin' at Erica?" In her best Vincent Price voice, Erica puts a flashlight under her chin and tells the gathered menfolk a horror story: When she was pregnant she had preeclampsia and the doctor ran blood tests and found that she had very high levels of phosphorous. The men don't get it: And? Erica wants to know if the Visitors could have been experimenting on humans long before anyone knew. Could they have experimented on her? Everyone shrugs. Sidney finally suggests that maybe he could run a blood test? Erica grabs a handy scalpel (like, why is that just lying there, exactly?) and slices her hand open. One, ew. Two, bitch is hardcore. Three, has Erica never been to a doctor before? Perhaps a syringe and a vial of blood would be a heck of a lot more useful for blood tests than a gash on the hand. Four, what kind of doctor is Sidney, exactly?

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