V

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: A+ | 2 USERS: C
YOU GRADE IT
The Mommy Wars

Welcome back to V. As you may recall, the show took a very unexpected turn last week and was almost (dare I say it aloud lest I jinx it?) good. There I said it. It was almost good last week. Yes, as usual the cast appeared to be played by ventriloquist dummies who can't move the tops of their heads and can only deliver their lines via wooden lips, and I still don't understand why Kyle didn't shoot Anna in the head when he had her in his sights or why Ryan Nichols is, but still the show actually delivered on its premise of an escalating war between humans and aliens. Well done, show. Now keep it up and maybe the network will up your order... hahhahhaahaa, no, it won't. But if you go out in a blaze of glory at least fans might remember you fondly and your cast might get work and avoid the Hollywood dole.

In the aftermath of the shooting, Marcus' status is unknown. Chad Decker and Lady Chad Decker are holding an on air debate as to who is responsible for the attempted assassination and what it means for human-alien relations. Lady Chad points out that there is little doubt that the anti-V group known as the Fifth Column are responsible. She's also pretty sure that if this keeps up the Visitor's High Commander Anna is going to lose her cool and that whole "of peace, always" thing will be blown away in a hail storm of blue energy and every human on earth will be walking around like they are trapped in that video game Berserk . What? I went to the nickel arcade last night. Chad dickishly suggests that they agree to hope for Marcus' well-being and totally makes Lady Chad look bad. He's so not getting laid tonight. Is it considered incest if you sleep with your female doppelganger?

Up on the ship, Anna stands over Marcus' comatose body and promises to hunt down and kill every last member of the Fifth Column as revenge for his injuries. So yeah that peace thing is pretty much out the window. But it always was some focus group created PR bullcrap anyway.

Over at the Fab Four's underground luxury lair, Erica, who looks very well rested for someone who was raked over the FBI coals for six hours, tells Father Jack and Kyle that she has been benched. After Marcus got shot on her watch, she is in big trouble with the FBI. While they haven't been able to link her directly to the shooting, they are suspicious. Erica suggests that they call Eli Cohen and alert him to the fact that he will need to keep his head down for a while. As opposed to before when he could roll up in his gold Cadillac and be big pimpin' his hatred of the Visitors and his plans to eradicate them from the universe with 'splosions and shit to a flock of adoring fans. Kyle sagely points out that they should all keep their heads down for a while. But before they do that, they should really find Ryan Nichols and find out why he betrayed them. Erica wants to look him in the eye as he tries to justify his decision and sends Kyle off to find him, while she goes home to spend some quality time with her reformed family. Father Jack just stands there with lust in his heart and a concerned look on his face.

So where is Ryan Nichols? Up on the Mothership attempting to appease his daughter and get her to stop crying. Anna comes in and takes the girl from him. She stops crying and Anna mumbles the same old same old about how the girl is fond of her now, but only her Bliss will soothe her and Ryan has to do whatever she says or else his baby will cry (but not because she is a baby). Ryan asks what the hell she wants because he is particularly dense today or something. Anna wants the same damn thing she always wants which is the head of Eli Cohen on a silver platter. She tells Ryan to email him up, set up a meeting in iCal, and then kill him. DONE. Does she really have to tell him how to do his job? He used to be her best tracker. It is SO hard to get good help these days. Ryan explains that Cohen will know he was the one to rat him out to Anna and prevent the assassination. He will never set up a meeting with him no matter how many Edible Arrangements he sends. Anna tells him to FIGURE IT OUT, hands him his daughter, and wanders off to go watch episodes of "Upstairs Downstairs" and take some Excedrin.

Father Jack is preparing for mass (he's wearing his prettiest dress for today's sermon) when Father Travis comes in with an official letter from the Vatican. It's the church's decree on Father Jack's anti-V activity and as he hands the letter over, Father Travis looks so very solemn you can tell he is covering a shit-eating grin. As Jack reads that he has been relieved of his duties Father Travis almost gets the church giggles as he tells Jack that HE WARNED HIM. His hatred of the Vs has cost him his job (and in this economy!) as well as his faith. Jack angrily retorts that it hasn't cost him his faith, but Travis just shrugs and asks him for his collar. Father Travis is pretty much a total dick and just proves that you don't have to be nice to be a priest. At least on TV. Jack begs his former colleague and friend to allow him to address his parish one last time, but Father "Dickhead" Travis coldly says no, because they aren't his parish any more. Looking stricken, but resigned, the man formerly known as Father Jack removes the white thingy from his collar and hands it over. Father Travis then coldly tells him that he has to move out of the rectory in a week. I wonder how hard it is to get a job as a former priest? And I am guessing those vows of poverty won't help you get a down payment on an apartment and are probably a real downer for your credit score. Father Travis tries not to get the church giggles as he leaves Father Jack alone in the rectory to think about what he's done. Now, show of hands: Who is Team Travis? That's what I thought.

Under the watchful eye of the Mothership, Ryan Nichols jumps over a wall, kills some random guy, and breaks into a building. He runs through the abandoned space until he pulls a gun and aims it at Eli Cohen's head. Eli has his gun out, too, and when he sees it is Ryan he calmly says, "Judas come to complete his betrayal." Proving that not only does he have ice water in his veins even when a gun is pointed at his face, but that he also knows the New Testament of the Bible and can quote it at will and in the most dire circumstances despite being Jewish. Bravo! Father Travis would be proud. The lights turn on overhead and Ryan finds himself surrounded. Eli orders him to be taken alive, but then kicks him a few times for good measure.

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