Episode Report Card
LuluBates: A+ | 2 USERS: C
The Mommy Wars

Over in Long Island or Queens or wherever it is that an FBI agent in New York City can afford a three bedroom detached house with a backyard and lots of light, Tyler, Joe, and Erica Evans all laugh heartily and play family. Erica makes a funny and you realize that you NEVER see her smile EVER. She flirts with Joe a little and then her phone rings and her smile fades. It's Eli and he has Ryan. Erica is confused -- how did Ryan end up there? Eli explains that Ryan tried to kill him and that either by his hand or by Erica's Ryan Nichols is going to die today. Then we get a close up of Ryan's bloodied face. It's not going on a Christmas card anytime soon.

A V tracker is tracking Anna's number one tracker, so when Ryan is taken hostage, Anna knows immediately. Her new No.2, Mr. Turtleneck, who hasn't realized that humans change their clothes occasionally, reports that Ryan is a prisoner of Eli Cohen's and they can launch an attack immediately. Anna thinks it will be better if they alert the authorities and allow them to take down the Fifth Column while the Vs just hang out in space looking pretty. Mr. Turtleneck goes to make an anonymous call to the FBI, even though there is no good reason not to just call the FBI and say they tracked the killers, but whatever! Who cares about logic!

In FBI HQ, Erica's boss and her partner Bolling are on the move. They just got word of a possible Eli Cohen sighting in an abandoned building on the Lower East Side. Um, that is SO not the Lower East Side. Bolling asks whether they should call Erica, but the Boss bounces it back to him since he is the one running the internal affairs investigation into her. Bolling doesn't think they should call her in case she's dirty. Great conversation, guys! Really moving the plot forward.

Speaking of Erica, she is interrogating the bloody pulp known as Ryan Nichols. She wants to know why he betrayed them and he explains that Anna made his daughter sick and would only help her if he did what she said. Erica (who has been doing it all for the glory of Tyler *gag*) is very unsympathetic to his plight. He then warns her that Anna put a tracker on his tail and if she doesn't leave the secret hideout right now then she will be dead very soon.

Proving the truth of this statement, a guy on Eli Cohen's team runs in announcing that there are multiple vehicles on the move outside the building. They are surrounded. We get an outside shot of approximately a bazillion FBI cars pulling up. The FBI agents spill out of the cars pointing their guns at the building, which seems odd. I mean, it's a building? What did it ever do to them? Also, there appears to be no regard for civilians as no one has ordered the streets cleared or anything and the entire FBI taskforce has their guns locked and loaded and aimed at defenseless buildings. While outside the FBI is surrounding the building and getting snipers in position and whatnot, inside Erica and Eli are assessing the situation. Erica quickly realizes that they are not up against the Visitors, but rather her team of FBI agents. She knows how they think and what they will do and thinks she can work this to their advantage. She also realizes that she didn't get a call and even though she is benched she thinks this is significant. She decides that the FBI (rightly) thinks she is colluding with the Fifth Column. Based on that, she comes up with a plan where she will pretend to be a hostage, thus clearing her name as a collaborator and giving Eli Cohen some leverage. Eli likes this plan because he gets to hit Erica in the face until it all seems believable.

Chad Decker is reporting live from the scene of the FBI siege. He reports that Eli Cohen, mastermind of all evil things in the whole world, is inside. This is terrible reporting, Chad. I mean, not even "alleged mastermind," but what happened to guilty until proven innocent, huh? And why is the FBI letting the media anywhere near this? Let alone the gathered civilian crowd? Suddenly there is movement on the second floor and a bloodied Erica with a gun to her head and a terrorist's arm around her neck emerges from a French door that opens onto a Juliet balcony, which must have been a real selling point of the building when Eli Cohen bought it. Erica (I almost called her Juliet) waves her phone around and the FBI is stunned, but happy because they know her phone number.

Up on the mothership, Anna is watching the proceedings and is as shocked to see Erica as the FBI is. Well... I'm projecting. Anna doesn't do "shocked." Mr. Turtleneck points out that the death of Erica Evans was not part of her plan, but Anna is okay with it. However, if they could arrange for Joe Evans to die, too, then perhaps Tyler would be all hers forever and ever. He is the future of the Visitors, after all. Mr. Turtleneck wanders off trying to figure out how to make Joe Evans magically appear inside that building. As he goes, Lisa comes in to see her mama. Anna tells her daughter to do everything in her power (meaningful glance at Lisa's fake vagina, followed by a knowing nod) to ensure that Tyler remains committed to the Visitors. Lisa nods looking slightly repulsed.

Speaking of the future of the Visitors, he is sitting on the couch next to his dad cheering on some local sports team. He is so happy to have his dad back in his life to do manly things with him. Then the phone rings and Lisa tells Tyler to turn on the news. They flip the channel just in time to see Chad Decker announce that the hostage has been identified as the leader of the FBI's Visitor Taskforce, Agent Erica Evans. Tyler and Joe both stand up to stare harder at the television. Then Joe grabs his coat to head down to the scene. He tells Tyler to stay put and he will report back as soon as he can. Tyler doesn't argue, but just stands there slack jawed. So... the Visitors' great plan to get Joe inside the building was a phone call? Well played, Visitors. At the church, former Father Jack is clearing out of the rectory when he notices his computer screen lit up with the Erica's Facebook status: "I'm a hostage! Come down and watch from the sidelines!" with about a hundred "Likes." Jack runs out the door to join the festivities.

Inside the building, the FBI calls Erica's phone and Erica lists Eli's fake demands: Stand down and no air coverage or else she's dead. Bolling asks how she is and she hangs up on him. Eli applauds her performance. She thanks him, but has some bad news for him. In her vast experience with the FBI, she is pretty sure that Eli's only exit from the hostage taking is dead or in cuffs. Did she forget to mention that part when she told him to take her fake hostage? Eli glares at her for the oversight and comes up with his own plan B and starts frantically typing on his iPhone. Unclear whether it is a Facebook status update or a tweet or a Foursquare check-in (Eli Cohen has checked in to FBI SEIGE. Eli Cohen has unlocked the Super Swarm Badge on Foursquare.)

Joe Evans' arrival interrupts the FBI's siege planning. They dispatch some guy to soothe the unwieldy ex-husband. For some reason Joe is hanging out in a parked SUV and the FBI agent updates him by sitting in the driver's seat and explaining the situation: They found an unmarked access tunnel, but the FBI is too scared to go in and save Erica. The Fifth Column is scary, yo! Then the guy leaves his folder with the secret map and the path marked in red on the seat for Joe to find. Gosh it looks like Joe will have to go straight and then turn left to gain access to the building. Looks complicated. Will he find the nerve to go where the FBI won't? This is where the show always falls apart -- the little details where logic completely fails. I mean, I get that Joe wants to save his wife, but really? We're supposed to believe that he's just going to charge into a hostage situation unarmed when the FBI won't even do it? Really? Whatever, show.

Inside the building, Eli and Erica are showing each other their favorite family photos and reminiscing about

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