Okay, I feel like the wicked witch right now. The naysayer. The parade pisser uponer. I was working on my Sherlock recap at 8:00 PM and I decided to plug on until 8:30, before watching The Vampire Diaries, so I could fast forward through the commercials. At 8:30, I realized I needed time to get my head out of Holmes' London before returning to Mystic Falls. I started the episode at 9:00PM. In the meantime, I trawled Twitter because while I wasn't spoiled, I've been fairly certain for quite some time where this episode would take us.
And damn it, I was right. In "500 Years of Solitude," we spend an hour watching Katherine die, connecting with her humanity, appreciating her refusal to possess her own daughter's body, only to watch her end up squatting in Elena Gilbert's body by the episode's end.
For me, the worst part is that so many TVD fans I know and like find this episode moving and brave. I find it derivative and predictable. Those cameos by former characters that you loved (Klaus, Vicki, Alaric), are, to me, the height of audience manipulation. Don't get me wrong. It might play out great in the future, but in this episode it was a craptacular waste of time.
Stop the show -- I want to get off. Matt's in trouble, must be Thursday. Fanfic comes to life: Caroline bangs Klaus. St. Stefan is the saintliest saint who ever sainted. Damon's a drinker. Katherine Pierce possesses Elena Gilbert's body. What comes next? Both brothers sex her up? Gag me with... well anything that isn't ejaculated by a Salvatore.
I'll be back with the recap, ASAP. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to the forum, where we're cheering, squeeing and weeping with joy (if we're everyone else)… or toying with a resignation letter (if we're Cindy, which we are, for all quantities of we which equal me).
KATHERINE: So, back in 1490, I was living with my parents in Bulgaria, when I gave birth to a little girl. My father whisked away my newborn daughter, before I even got to hold her.
NADIA: I'm that daughter. Today, I'm at Mystic Falls Hospital. Stefan tells me my mother has probably had a heart attack, and doesn't have long. There is no way Katherine Pierce is dying of a heart attack.
KATHERINE: Right? I don't have heart attacks. I cause them.
CARDIAC MONITOR: __________ ____________
STEFAN: Nadia, I compelled the doctors to let me take her home so she's more comfortable, but she's dying. I don't think she'll survive the rest of the day.
RECAPPER: Stefan, they're currently shocking her heart back to life. When did you compel these doctors? It makes no sense that they'd have even come out to talk to you, yet, nor does it make sense that you took her to the hospital for treatment, only to compel them to let you take her home, before they've stabilized her.
STEFAN: It's...um...it's in the script.
RECAPPER: Okay, so the writers are compelling you to speak senseless lines at the wrong time, so that they can set up the KATHERINE IS DYING Drinking Game with her in the house, but still "heighten" the "tension" by playing the old, "She's coding. Clear!" hospital bullshit?
STEFAN: Script! So, yes, Katherine is toast.
NADIA: My mother will fight this.
AUDIENCE: One way or another.
DAMON: Bourbon and I are taking nice quiet nap on the Mystic Grill bar, when Jeremy and Matt come in and disturb my beauty sleep.
AUDIENCE: You've had plenty.
DAMON: Bourbon or beauty sleep?
AUDIENCE: Truthfully, both.
ELENA: Meanwhile, I'm back at Whitmore College which is a few hours, and a few minutes, away from home.
RECAPPER: Dear Editorial, stet the commas in Elena's above line, because she means it as written. When the plot dictates it, Whitmore college is a few hours away, AND when the plot dictates it, it's but a stone's throw.
BONNIE: Caroline and I wake up Elena with a breakup breakfast. I think it's tacky to celebrate that Damon dumped her, but I'm just so glad to get some screen time, I've decided to keep my opinions to myself.
CAROLINE: Hey, you can't sleep with people who've done any more evil than I have. Anyhow, Stefan calls. Elena wants to ignore the call, so I take it. We have to get back to Mystic Falls, right away. How far away is it today? Are we there yet?