Y'all need to understand (some of) the roots of my deep appreciation of The Vampire Diaries' speedy revelations and overall pacing. How best to put it in TWoP terms? How about: I also recap Lost and How I Met Your Mother. In other words, I've had it up to ^HERE^ with reticence, so -- welcome back you great big, wonderful show, on which things actually happen and on which characters share vital information. I was miffed that you (okay, the CW) kept your devoted fang hags sitting on their couches in a group catatonic state since February 11, but after 42 minutes of your magic, I'm so over it. For the hags' sake, I'm going to get right to the story now. We can make out up in private, later. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Smoochie. Smoochie. Smoochie.

This episode centers around Elena's search for Isobel -- her birth mother. And in true (and dear Lord, please let it be trend-setting) Vampire Diaries style, not only does Jenna figure out Alaric's wife must be Elena's mother, she does ever so helpful research to prove it, and shares it. WITH ELENA!!! Alaric, Stefan, and finally Damon -- find out that Alaric's wife, Isobel, is Elena's biological mother. And Elena, as I implied before, finds that out, too. She also finds out that Damon killed Isobel. Except he didn't -- he turned her, but I expect Elena to realize that out any episode, now, so that's okay. Besides, Isobel was totally begging for it. NO REALLY. I'll hit that in the recap, in deepest detail, my dearest, darling snarklings. But whatever, because...

Then...THEN -- Damon, who hasn't killed anyone in gosh -- weeks -- kills Alaric. But he only kills Alaric in semi self-defense. That is, Alaric shows up at Mossy Manse and tries to stake Damon. Damon proceeds to beat the stuffing out of him, but Alaric will not back down, so eventually, Damon stakes Alaric, instead. Apparently, a wooden stake will kill a human... if/when it's inserted in a lung. Except...

Then... THEN -- I'm just about to break up with the show, when Alaric springs back to life, as Stefan looks on (Damon has wandered off, by then). But is Alaric a vampire? Nooooo. He springs back to life thanks to the gaudy bling frakking Isobel gave him, long ago and far away.

And all of this loveliness is wrapped up in an episode in which the Founders' Council is holding a Bachelor Auction Fund-Raiser, in which both Alaric and Damon are on the block. (You should have told us, Show, because we totes would have pooled our pennies.) And if that weren't enough, Matt's (and the late great Vicki's) mother finally hauls her tramp-ass back to town, and she's The O.C.‘s JULIE freaking COOPER (and, more importantly to me, Faith Taylor from DOOL). She's exactly what you'd expect Vicki's mom to be, and exactly what you feared Matt's mom was, but hoped she wouldn't be. And? She's still hot. Add in Elena's bio-mom's stalker-y minion, his grisly end, Isobel's distant interest in Elena, as well as Anna, Grace, Harper and a whole new vampire coven, and you've got yourself a rich, delicious recipe for nom nom nom.

This show. This show! This was my also-ran in choices to recap. And now, I can't fricking believe I lucked into this gig! From the fearless, revelation-heavy story-telling, to the beautiful and yet accomplished cast, to the eye-catching directorial choices (and the blue light, which is like crack)? I'm in recapper heaven.

I'm juggling Lost and The Vampire Diaries this week, after a month and a half of living the simple life, with only one show to cover -- so I'm going to get right on this weecap, now. I'll be back before you know it with all the pretty. In the meantime, come on over to the forums, where Barnes will kill you dead if you hurt my Pudding Pop -- even if you're his mom.