Vampire Diaries

Episode Report Card
Cindy McLennan: A | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
At This Point, I Miss The Vampires
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

It's back. It's back. The Vampire Diaries is finally back! Did the hiatus drain you dry, too? As I mentioned in the recaplet, I need you to understand how thrilled I am to be watching The Vampire Diaries, again. You see, I also recap Lost and How I Met Your Mother, but loving them as I do (and I do) leaves me with a yawning hole that can only be filled by a show on which things actually happen -- a show on which characters actually talk to each other, and in which mysteries are actually resolved. Going into "A Few Good Men," I was miffed that we've spent the last six weeks waiting for the show to return, but after 42 minutes of Williamson and Plec's magic, I'm utterly over it, so I'm going to get right to the story now. We can make out up in private later, Show. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Smoochie. Smoochie. Smoochie.

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries: In the beginning there was fog. And shirtless vampire Stefan Salvatore. And it was good. And then veiny Stefan kissed Elena, who is a dead ringer for Katherine (long lost vampire lover of both Stefan and his vampire brother Damon, circa 1864) who was bad. When Elena realizes her resemblance to Katherine, she and Stefan never suspect that it's due to both characters being played by the same actress. Since Stefan has been stalking researching Elena since he first saved her life (in the accident that killed her folks), he tells her he has discovered she's adopted. The World's Most Crap Guardian, Aunt Jenna Sommers, confirms this, and explains that Elena's biological mother, Isobel, was a 16 year old runaway who showed up at Dr. Grayson Gilbert's office, gave birth, and eventually took off, leaving the baby with Grayson and his wife Miranda Sommers Gilbert, who had been having trouble conceiving.

The good doctor doctored up a birth certificate to lay claim to wee Elena, and never looked back. Meanwhile, history teacher Alaric Saltzman's wife spent her life researching local paranormal activity. When Stefan wants to know where Alaric's wife is now, Alaric says, "Damon killed her." Oh, and her name was Isobel. Now, back in 1864, 27 vampires were reportedly sealed in a tomb underneath the old church, so in 2010, Damon gets the witches Bennett to open the seal, because Katherine's one of them. Anna makes sure to get her mother, Pearl, out of there, too. Damon throws a hissy fit when he discovers Katherine never got sealed in at all. And when he throws the hissy fit, he also launches the bag of blood he brought to revive his twu wuv. The blood bag breaks and lands within reach of one of the desiccated, zombified vampires. With Pearl free, Anna informs Damon that the last place she saw Katherine was in Chicago, years ago. Katherine knew where Damon was. She just didn't care. Back in the tomb, a desiccated, zombified vampire stirs, raises the busted bag of blood to his bloodsucking lips and drinks deep. He then wanders out of the tomb that the Witches Bennett failed to re-seal, right about the time Grams Bennett is dying at home, from spell exhaustion, or something.

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Vampire Diaries

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