I've never done this before, and probably won't do it again, but this recap is dedicated to actor Robin Sachs, who will always be the best Chaos-worshipping Evil Costume Shop proprietor in any vampire infested town. May you rest in peace, sir.
Previously, on The Vampire Diaries, Elena's a new vampire. There have been... complications. Complications, really Show? Okay. Look, I don't want this recap chipping away at the '80s music buzz I built up when I was writing the recaplet, but I'm only seconds in and I can feel it waning. Elena is "sired to" Damon. See what I mean? Damon wants it to be real (you know, except for when he's ordering Elena to come to him). There's gore, the cure and the inevitable hangover of bore. Kol says, "This cure has ruined us, and it hasn't even been found yet." Is he bucking for my job? He holds Shane underwater (which is not water-boarding, even though I previously referred to it as such, but I'm in no mood for a full housekeeping) and demands answers about Silas. Klaus "helps" Jeremy. Rebekah and Stefan want sex without attachment or feelings, even though they're the two characters on this show who are least capable of honoring such a bargain. Kol compels Damon to kill Jeremy. Stefan locks Damon in the Mossy Manse dungeon. Elena tells Jeremy he's going to kill Kol.
Currently on The Vampire Diaries Stefan wakes in Rebekah's bed and looks around like he doesn't know where he is or how he got there. I guess you're putting on this show for yourself Stefan, because the rest of us remember you weren't drunk when you and Rebekah hit the sheets. Anyhow, once he pretends to remember himself, he Stealth Salvatores into his clothes and tries to sneak out the door, only to be met by Klaus, who is clearly trying to decide if he's more jealous of Stefan or Becky.
After the title card, Rebekah scolds Klaus about respecting her privacy but he reminds her that there are bigger things to worry about. After all, Kol tried to kill her just last night. Let's get one thing straight, only Klaus gets to kill or dagger his siblings. Speaking of... Kol has absconded with Klaus's daggers, and the Perma-Son of White Oak Stake. Klaus knows Becky has the last dagger and some white ash, so in his ever so charming way he orders Rebekah to hand them over. Rebekah tells him there's no chance in hell, and orders him to leave with a ridiculous, "lurkers aren't welcome here." What does that even mean in this context? How is he lurking? Rebekah, everyone had a crush on Angel during BtVS's season 2, but you can't just co-opt his, "I lurk" line to use in nonsensical ways. When Rebekah heads off to shower, Klaus tells Stefan it's up to him to get the dagger and ash from Rebekah. If Kol isn't daggered, Damon will remain compelled to kill Jeremy, which wouldn't put the twist to Klaus's knickers, except the young hunter's arms are so beautiful and Klaus is an artist, oh and also, there's that whole Map to the Bore. We cut to the...