Vampire Diaries
Because The Night

Episode Report Card
Cindy McLennan: A- | 9 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
New York Dolls

Mossy Manse. Caroline is cleaning up after Elena's impromptu party. Why is each episode set the next day after the previous one? Do the writers forget that the audience has to wait a week (at least) in between episodes? It's not like it heightens the sense of urgency for us. Let some time elapse off screen, people. Cripes. I really hope that next season's premiere fixes the timeline, and that the present day in the series jumps ahead so that it's Fall 2013.

Klaus enters just as Caroline is taking a swig from the leftover plastic cups. He might be an evil immortal, but he knows I'm about to hurl, so he needles Caroline about being so unsanitary. She downs another leftover cup for spite, then gives him guff about running Tyler off. Klaus says, "Tyler made it his life's mission to kill me. You can't hate me for driving him away." Holy retcon, Batman. Nobody in the Fellowship of the Falls, even associate members like Tyler, wants to kill Klaus. Well, they all want to kill him, but they can't because then all their vampire buddies will die. What is this life's mission bullshit? Caroline just ignores it and tells Klaus to leave. Stefan interrupts the haters' spat. "Actually, I asked him to be here. We need his help. I think Silas is in Mystic Falls." We cut to...

Bennett Bungalow. Silas is wearing Shane's meatsuit, which Bonnie objects to, so he snatches the Exposition Fairy's wand and blathers at Bonnie about trust and how Shane died on the island, and that she's been cooperating with him thus far. You know, I enjoyed this episode the first time I watched it, but this time, the dialogue is just killing me. Am I alone in this? Silas manipulates Bonnie by mentioning Jeremy and how she failed to protect him despite her promises. Since she's descended from the great and powerful Oz Qetsiyah (Q), only she can complete the Triangle of Terror, get rid of The Other Side, bring back Jeremy, cure the Common Cold, usher in world peace, solve metropolitan traffic problems, balance the budget and fart rainbows. Bonnie: "Completing the triangle means killing twelve people." Silas: "Twelve people you can bring back. Bonnie, you can do this...for Jeremy." Maybe she can, but I'm barely holding on. We cut to...

Mossy Manse. While we were dying of boredom at Bennett Bungalow, Stefan caught Klaus up on the missing blood and his Silas theory. Klaus plays devil's advocate, which makes me sad because remember how I used to call him Satan Klaus? That's back when he was scary and actually mattered. Give me a moment. I need to pray that The Originals backdoor pilot is a smashing success, and gets picked up. I suggest you do the same. If you're not the praying kind, you can sing our Originals petition: I like the Originals, but they've sucked the life out of The Vampire Diaries, so I'm doubly glad they're getting their own show. Voe Doe Dee Oh Doe. I added the Voe Doe Dee Oh Doe especially for you secular types.

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Vampire Diaries

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