Bree, and I'll be calling her Zoe so get used to it, pours a row of shots as she says, "Listen up everybody. Here's to the man that broke my heart, crushed my soul, destroyed my life, and ruined any and all chances of happiness. Drink up." Zoe downs a shot. Damon downs two: his own, and (when Zoe's not looking) Elena's. Zoe wants to know how Damon roped Elena in. When Elena starts to protest that she's not roped in, Zoe doesn't let her finish her statement that she's dating Damon's brother. Instead, she cuts her off with a, "Honey, if you're not roped, you're whipped. Either way, just enjoy the ride." And readers, that cuts me to the quick. You might as well know this up front. I have a terrible time seeing my heroines turned into victims. I can't watch I Know What You Did Last Summer or Scream 2 (no offense, Kevin Williamson), because when Sarah Michele Gellar becomes the victim, I start yelling at my TV for Buffy to kick ass and take names. A part of Gina Torres will always be Firefly's Zoe to me, and Zoe is nothing if not fierce, so when she's talking about being roped and whipped by the Evil Pixie-Monster, I throw up a little in my mouth. She's a big damn hero, sir -- and that's that.

Anyhow, Zoe explains that 20 years ago, when she was a sweet young college frosh, she fell hard and fast for the Evil Pixie-Monster. Learning he was a vampire was just icing on her Pixie-Monster cake, because she had a secret she too was dying to share: she's a witch (we learn that courtesy of Damon; and before I forget -- ooh -- could she be Bonnie's long lost mother?). Zoe waxes lustily about the Damon of her youth, and Damon brags that he rocked her world. The vomit escapes my mouth. I cry and clean the carpet, as Zoe, my Zoe, talks about how he's good in the sack, but a "Walkaway Joe." Puke. She asks Damon, "So, what is it that you want," and we cut to...

Library: Jeremy is searching the stacks when a bunch of books jump off the shelf and land at his feet. As he crouches to pick them up, an adorable young thing -- Anna (Malese Jow; Unfabulous) rounds the corner, explains that there was a book wedgie situation that ended in "Kerplunk, kaboom." She asks if he's okay, and when she too crouches to pick up the books, they butt heads. She laughs and introduces herself, and is it just me, or does she look more like Elena than the Germ?