Vampire Diaries

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Cindy McLennan: B | Grade It Now!
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No Peace I Find
Damon -- doesn't even twitch, even though he lost his heirloom pocket watch which is really an ACTUAL VAMPIRE COMPASS. The duo natters about the extra-credit project Jeremy's doing to get himself out of the jackass file.

Elsewhere on campus, Stefan catches up with Bonnie who appreciates that he saved her life but isn't really down with hanging with a bloodsucking fiend. God bless her and her good sense. Stefan plays the only card he has -- but it's the only one he needs to get Bonnie to help him with a spell. "It's Elena...and she's with Damon." At one of the picnic tables, Bonnie takes hold of Elena's Vervain necklace, but can't get a read on her. I idly wonder if the Vervain is blocking her in the same way it chemically castrates vampires, but I'm proven wrong as soon as Bonnie picks up a leaf from the ground and is unable to make it float (like she did the feathers). Great. Who broke Bonnie?

On the road again: Elena asks Damon where her car is. He said he dragged it off the road. Elena, don't panic. Jenna is the world's most crap guardian. She probably doesn't even know you're missing, yet. In the course of conversation, they also conclude Humpty Dumpty is probably a vampire. Elena sounds unconvinced when she says, "You didn't know him?" Damon deadpans. "If I've never met him, I wouldn't know him." A beat. "It's not like we all hang out together at the Vamp Bar and Grill." That's a damn shame. They finally arrive at their destination: Bree's Bar. Elena, who spends all her free time at "The Grill" in Mystic Falls, which looked an awful lot like a bar the last time I checked, complains that they'll never let her in a bar, because she's not of age. Damon's not so worried about it, though. Inside, we find Bree, who is played by the lovely and talented Gina Torres, aka Zoe Washburn from Firefly. She hops up on and over the bar and greets Damon with a, "My honey pie," and a way more than perfunctory kiss. Just as they go back for seconds we cut to...Commercial!

Bree, and I'll be calling her Zoe so get used to it, pours a row of shots as she says, "Listen up everybody. Here's to the man that broke my heart, crushed my soul, destroyed my life, and ruined any and all chances of happiness. Drink up." Zoe downs a shot. Damon downs two: his own, and (when Zoe's not looking) Elena's. Zoe wants to know how Damon roped Elena in. When Elena starts to protest that she's not roped in, Zoe doesn't let her finish her statement that she's dating Damon's brother. Instead, she cuts her off with a, "Honey, if you're not roped, you're whipped. Either way, just enjoy the ride." And readers, that cuts me to the quick. You might as well know this up front. I have a terrible time seeing my heroines turned into victims. I can't watch I Know What You Did Last Summer or Scream 2 (no offense, Kevin Williamson), because when Sarah Michele Gellar becomes the victim, I start yelling at my TV for Buffy to kick ass and take names. A part of Gina Torres will always be Firefly's Zoe to me, and Zoe is nothing if not fierce, so when she's talking about being roped and whipped by the Evil Pixie-Monster, I throw up a little in my mouth. She's a big damn hero, sir -- and that's that.

Anyhow, Zoe explains that 20 years ago, when she was a sweet young college frosh, she fell hard and fast for the Evil Pixie-Monster. Learning he was a vampire was just icing on her Pixie-Monster cake, because she had a secret she too was dying to share: she's a witch (we learn that courtesy of Damon; and before I forget -- ooh -- could she be Bonnie's long lost mother?). Zoe waxes lustily about the Damon of her youth, and Damon brags that he rocked her world. The vomit escapes my mouth. I cry and clean the carpet, as Zoe, my Zoe, talks about how he's good in the sack, but a "Walkaway Joe." Puke. She asks Damon, "So, what is it that you want," and we cut to...

Library: Jeremy is searching the stacks when a bunch of books jump off the shelf and land at his feet. As he crouches to pick them up, an adorable young thing -- Anna (Malese Jow; Unfabulous) rounds the corner, explains that there was a book wedgie situation that ended in "Kerplunk, kaboom." She asks if he's okay, and when she too crouches to pick up the books, they butt heads. She laughs and introduces herself, and is it just me, or does she look more like Elena than the Germ?

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Vampire Diaries

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