Is it just me or does it seem like the show wrote down a list of random audience complaints and decided to craft an episode specifically to address them? Look: the kids go to school; there's no Event O' the Week; the Sheriff actually cares that kids are drinking and drugging; Klaus finally gets a little loving; Elena stops moping; we get an explanation of how a younger vampire might beat an older one; Matt is no longer living in that shack; and someone keeps some Klaus blood in stock. I haven't graded "Bring It On" yet. I mostly enjoyed it, but my back is aching and I can't tell if that has put me in this mood or if the show has. Maybe writing it all down will help. Since I have to anyway, it's worth a shot.
Let's talk about Klaus, first. He's looking for Katherine and the cure, so he finds Hayley the werewolf (Phoebe Tonkin) at a truck stop, because where else would you find her? No one wants to be found by Klaus, but when you're about to be attacked by an unknown vampire (who'll we'll later learn is Damon's friend, Will) and Klaus needs intel from you, it can work in your favor. Klaus bites Hayley's attacker. Since Klaus is part werewolf, Will's days are numbered. Of course, since Hayley is a werewolf, I don't know why she didn't just bite the guy, herself. She isn't a hybrid, so maybe that wouldn't work while she's in human form. I will no longer pretend I even try to have total recall of this tortured mythology.
Klaus brings Hayley back to his place for some wining, dining, snarky art critique… and sex. And yeah, it's just about as hot and organic as that last sentence. I'm sorry, but except for pining after Caroline (and probably Rebekah), Klaus has practically lived like a monk since he came to Mystic Falls and this is what he finally gets for a "love" scene? Bah. I think I'd rather see him with his sister. (Not really, Julie Plec. This isn't a Dare You situation.) I'm a fan of Joseph Morgan, who can generate heat with a paintbrush, so I'm inclined to blame my lack of response on Tonkin or to be fair, her character. I don't think it's her acting. It's just that this character is no one to us or Klaus. He's been the drippy romantic and suddenly he's banging a werewolf he barely knows and doesn't seem to like.
By the end, Hayley is maybe inclined to help Klaus find Katherine, and Klaus (who says Hayley's birthmark connects her to a Louisiana werewolf clan) is maybe inclined to help her find her biological family. I'm not inclined to care, except for the fact that this story is all a set up for the backdoor pilot for The Originals. I know I'm a drunk at Karaoke Night singing the same tired song, but that's not going to stop me (because I'm a drunk at Karaoke Night). Sing it with me, fandom: I like the Originals, but they've sucked the life out of The Vampire Diaries, so I'm doubly glad they're getting their own show. Voe Doe Dee Oh Doe. Okay, one of you sounds a little pitchy, but not bad. I've got a new number for you to practice: If Hayley is going to be Klaus's love interest in The Originals, she's going to need a personality or two. Boo boo bee doo. Please commit it to memory over the weekend.
Since the show is still hellbent on keeping Damon away from Elena, Damon and Klaus are "working together" to find Katherine. Damon heads to the truck stop, in hopes of finding the vampire who went after Hayley. Rebekah follows Damon and she's armed with a vial of Klaus's blood, so she can cure the vampire of the wolf bite. In a way, I'm heartened to see that finally, one of these chuckleheads has enough working synapses to keep a supply of Klaus's werewolf-venom antidote blood. I mean, I've been yelling at them all to save it since Katherine brought the blood to heal Damon. Mostly though, it just makes me wonder how Rebekah got the blood in the first place. Anyhow, they eventually find the ailing vampire. Damon is about to stake him, but then realizes he's his old friend, Will, so instead he rips out his heart and holds it up for us to confirm that Season Gore continues apace.
Damon lies to Rebekah that the guy was a goner, thanks to the venom. That might be more convincing to either Rebekah or the audience, had she not already revealed her vial of Klaus blood. Damon is still not crazy about curing Elena. Later, Damon gives Rebekah a pep talk about embracing her inner vampire. Rebekah looks like she'd never considered that before, which is pretty pathetic given that she's been around for a thousand years.
Back in Mystic Falls, Elena has turned off her feelings so we have to listen to a lot of Stefan and Caroline bitching about how she's now her worst self. At school, Elena feeds on a visiting cheerleader and steals the girl's hair bow. See how awful she is. Oh also, she throws a party at Mossy Manse and pushes Sheriff Forbes against a wall. Wow. She should be put down. Did I really say I enjoyed watching this? Now that I'm writing it up, I'm wondering what I part I liked. Oh, now I remember. The Sire Bond is dead, because Elena has turned off her feelings. That's the part I liked and still do.
Eventually, Elena gives Stefan and Caroline the slip. They track her to the woods and Stefan calls Damon for backup. Caroline is alone when she finds Elena. As an older vampire she might be stronger than Elena, but Elena is a better fighter thanks to training with Alaric. On one hand that makes me happy, because I miss Ric. On the other hand, it makes me sad, because Elena makes sure to spell it out for Caroline and for us. All I can think of is all the things that haven't made sense this season. If I had to choose something I'd like explained, I'm pretty sure Elena besting Caroline in a fight would be at the bottom of my list, since I could have fan-wanked that one, myself. Anyhow, just as Elena is about to stake Caroline, the Salvatores arrive and ruin the fun. Oh, I just remembered another thing I liked -- Damon's regret over breaking up the cat fight.
Back home at Mossy Manse, Caroline and Stefan are talking when Matt texts Caroline and tells her to come to the Lockwood Mansion. When she gets there, she can't enter until Matt invites her in, because Tyler has deeded the house to Matty. Yay. Although, given how pathetic Matt's life has been, this momentary turn of luck makes me fear for his life. Anyhow, Tyler has sent a note to Caroline about how they are never, ever getting back together. It's sweeter than that, though. Pretty much Tyler loves Caroline, but he doesn't have a death wish, so it's over baby. I cringe for Matt when he takes Caroline in his arms and comforts her. Then I think of the Cars' song "My Best Friend's Girl," and start bobbing my head to the imagined beat. She used to be mine....
Upstairs at Mossy Manse, Damon is poring over old pictures when he comes across a photo of him and Will, but he doesn't explain it to Elena. Instead, he decides she needs a change of scenery. Once they are on the road, Stefan calls Damon with some news. Liz Forbes reports that six area blood banks have been cleaned out. Stefan figures Silas is trying to restore his girlish figure and they need to do something about it. Damon's response is pretty much: how very nice for you; I'm whisking our girlfriend away to New York. Atta boy. Have fun, my friends. Please come to Boston, for the springtime. I'm staying here with some friends and they've got lots of room. You can sell [Klaus's] paintings on the sidewalk...
Despite my headline, it's fun to see Elena do something other than mope. I love how she keeps showing up naked in front of people, particularly Stefan. No wonder Damon is in love with her. Vampire Elena is exactly like him. I don't like, though, that this episode is all about how she has shut off her feelings and yet Elena seems (at least momentarily) jealous of Caroline and Stefan. That said, I do enjoy her encouraging Caroline to take Angel-lite out for a spin.
I'm going to go help Matt settle in at the Mansion, but will be back with a full recap, ASAP. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then come on over to the forum, where you can take off your clothes, but leave your hat on.
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Previously on The Vampire Diaries, Jeremy dies. Elena cries. Damon tells Elena to turn off her humanity. Stefan, who had been whining at Damon to do something, of course hates the something Damon does. Elena burns down the house. I hope Damon will come over and order me to turn off my TV. No such luck.
Now on The Vampire Diaries, it is nighttime. Elena tries the old Lie Down On the Road trick. We cut to...
Mossy Manse. Stefan is bitching to Damon that they're going to lose their girlfriend, since she's flicked off the humanity switch. Damon thinks that's one of the best perks of being a vampire (switch flipping, not girlfriend losing). I still want to turn off my TV. We cut to...
The Road. A car slows to a stop in front of Elena. We cut to a...
Sidebar. Seriously, Show? Are you just trolling me, now? Do we have to cut every few seconds?
Mossy Manse. Damon tells Stefan that the worst case scenario simply means he'll use the sire-bone (not a typo, just an attitude-o) to force Elena to flick on the humanity switch. Stefan is the smart brother this week, or at least this scene, so he points out that as soon as Damon does that, Elena's grief will overwhelm her. He says they need to give her a reason to want to turn it on, which I don't really get. Why would a reason prevent the flood of grief over Jeremy's death? Damon suggests showing her a good time. "I know it's controversial, Stefan, but people actually like to have fun." Tell me about it, Pixie Monster. This is why I want to shut off my TV, but you mooks keep yapping, and Princess PainInTheAss is still lying out on that...
Road. The driver of the car runs to Elena and asks if she's okay. Elena turns on the Stepford stare, and monotones that she doesn't feel anything, so the woman rushes back to her car for a blanket. Elena Stealth-Salvatores to her, vamps out, and takes a big juicy bite. When she gets a little carried away, Damon emerges from the shadows and calls her off. Elena's hungry damn it, and since vampires don't have to watch their weight, I say girlfriend should go for it, but Damon tells her to show some restraint. Elena lets her victim fall to the ground, grumps that she, "...thought this was supposed to be fun," and then walks off, with blood still dripping down her face, so yes, the Show is certainly trolling me. Good to know. Title card.