Ric: Well, he is a major dick. I mean, he tortured his own kid.

Elena: And? He's not nearly as much of a hottie as Damon. Not that I think...Damon is not...I don't...Hot.

Recapper: Keep trying, Elena. Did anyone consider that Meredith's motive for attacking Bill might be his fury at learning she dosed him with vampire blood? He's on the Council. Maybe he decided to rat her out.

Ric and Elena: Not in this script.

Meanwhile, over at Klaus Haus, the Handsome Club convenes...

Klaus: Sit, enjoy my fabulous hospitality, and perhaps have a little bite of something, or someone.

Compelled, Identically Dressed, Chick Chew Toys Standing About the Room: We have nothing to fear. We have nothing to fear. We have nothing to fear.

Stefan: I didn't come here to eat Klaus.

Damon: Brother, I think you're missing a comma, up there.

Recapper: Thank goodness I'm not the only one who heard Stefan's line, that way.

Stefan: Don't look at me. I just read what's on the page.

Elijah: Wait 'til you get my entire family together. The entendres are at least quintuple.

Stefan: Look, I am hostile to everything going on here -- everything you know about and everything you don't.

Klaus: If you don't enjoy my mad hosting skills, I will reach down your throats and pull out your innards, until you smile like you mean it. Why does no one love me?

Stefan: So, where's Rebekah? Are you still scared of a little girl?

Klaus: No need to be cryptic. Elijah knows I killed our mother.

Damon: Hey Stef, remember when you killed dad? You might want to dial down the judgment until dessert.

Front Porch of Fortress Forbes

Caroline: I haven't heard from Tyler. What if he's the murderer? What if he's a sire-bound hound dog of murderer? Plus? My daddy is dying. He is dying when he could totally live, if he'd just have a little bag of blood. This is all very emotional for me, but I know it's emotional for Cindy too, so I'm just going to shut up now. I'm totally forcing some blood down daddy's throat.

Elena: He doesn't want to, Caroline. The only thing your dad has is his choice.

Audience: What about Jeremy, you hypocritical so-and-so?

Elena: Look, Bonnie has already taken me to task for that. I freely admit my hypocrisy. I struggle with my decision to let Damon compel Jeremy, every day. When are you people going to stop beating a dead horse?