Meredith: Well, I'm going to tell you I discharged that stubborn bastard, last night. You might not want to believe me, though, since, as you mention, he didn't call to let you know, so let me deflect attention from my wicked ways, by confessing I totes know you're a vampire.
Caroline: Are you out for blood?
Meredith: One way or another, yes! Toodles.
Elena: What's up, Care Bear?
Caroline: How did you get here so fast?
Elena: I'm running on pure fury. Lemme tell ya, if they can bottle this stuff up, goodbye fossil fuel addiction. Hello, greener America.
Ian Somerhalder: That girl rocks, in all her incarnations.
Caroline: So that doctor lady isn't nice at all, but I'm distracted, so I allow her to dupe me into believing she's nice. I need to call my daddy.
Elena: Oh sure, Stefan didn't throw out your cell phone!
Caroline: I have memorized daddy's ringtone, and he is the only person in a ten town radius who uses said ringtone, so when my vamponic hearing picks up the sound of a ringtone, even as I'm waiting for my dad to pick up his phone, I know it must be his phone I hear ringing, even though there must be a least a dozen or more phones ringing in this hospital at the same time. Get it? Got it? Good. And look, here he is, DYING TO DEATH, in a hospital supply closet.
Elena: Oh Caroline, he's gonna be all right. First of all, dude is loaded with vampire blood. Second of all, he too has an intact cell phone.
Bill Forbes: Eff my un-life.
Meanwhile, back in the cave...
Bonnie: As I give my mother the backstory on the cave drawings, I make sure to drive home the point that the Originals' mother loved them so very much, SHE couldn't bear to lose them.
Abby: Yeah. I um...got that. My grimoire -- let me show you it.
Bonnie: Whatever, bee-yatch. I don't want to talk to you, either. Let's do a spell.
Abby: This one has a pretty drawing. Let's try it.
Bonnie: I'll do anything to get out of this godforsaken cave. Let's cut to Mossy Manse.
Stefan: I am shirtless. You're welcome.
Damon: Here are two shirts. Pick one. I'm the nudist on this show. And? No. You're welcome.