Audience: *Applauds*

Stefan: I think your plan to visit Klaus Haus and stall Klaus, while Bonnie and Abby try to open the coffin, is dumb and dumber. You were a moron to undagger Elijah, who has already betrayed us, before. Also? You have stupid hair.

Damon: Damn straight I kissed our girlfriend, and I'd do it, again.

Stefan: I am so not talking about that, Damon.

Damon: Who do you think you're fooling? Besides, it's Klaus's fault Elena and I kissed, because he's the one that turned you into a dick.

Ric: How do you expect to restore our relationship, Damon, if you're using my pet name for you, on your brother?

Damon: Um, Cindy?

Recapper: *Waggles bottle of booze* Here Ric. Come on. Come here, boy. Good boy. Sit. Drink. Pass out.

Back at the hospital...

Caroline: Daddy, lie down and relax while you transition.

Bill: I can't. I'm too wired from wanting to transition.

Elena: Mr. Forbes? Who attacked you, anyhow?

Bill: I don't know. I was sneaking out the back door. I didn't see anything.

Recapper: Um, Caroline, aren't you curious about why your father was "sneaking" out of the hospital, if Meredith truly discharged him, as she claims?

Caroline: Not in this script! Now, Daddy, we need to get you some blood.

Bill: I'm well aware I'm transitioning, because studying everything ever about vampires has been my grand passion. But? I am so not drinking that shit.

Elena: You have to, or you'll die.

Bill: Look, Caroline. I love you. And I finally love vampire you. But um...I'd rather die than be like you, even though you got 200 percent more awesome, once you turned. Now get me out of here. All I can smell is blood.

Recapper: The people in the forum are going to be upset that you're not struggling more with this transition thing.

Bill: Block them out, Cindy. Mind over matter. Mind over matter.

Recapper: Why didn't I think of that?

That evening, at Gilbert Gables...

Ric: So, I'm doing weapons inventory!

Elena: And I've had a busy day. I stole evidence from a crime scene. Here's the knife that "killed" Bill.

Ric: I know that knife. It's from a crawl-space in the foyer.