Abby: You should have seen her during her terrible twos. I told her I left because of the magic, but really, I just couldn't take her for one more minute.
Sound Effect: Bang!
Abby: I am just going to reach toward this coffin now.
Magical Forces: *Candles Flare*
Coffin Lid: *Flies Open*
And over at Club Handsome...
Damon: (Psssst, don't tell Klaus, but I just got a text from Bonnie. She's almost got it, but she needs a little more time.)
Audience: (Okay, Damon. Our lips are sealed. You know, unless you want them unsealed, and then you just say the word. Or kiss us. Whatever works. We're not fussy.)
Damon: Klaus, you know what, we'll give you back that coffin, if you and yours just take it, and get the hell out of Mystic Falls, so that Stefan, Elena and I can live happily ever after.
Recapper: Thomas Galvin already beat me to the "Devil's three-way," punch (even though it's totally in my notes, and I used to cover How I Met Your Mother, Thomas), so no comment. So anyhow, Klaus, what do you think about Damon's proposed truce?
Klaus: I think it sucks out loud. Look, Elena is my hybrid wet nurse. If I leave her here with these two twits, she's either going to get vamped or flat out killed, and then no more baby hybrids for me, which would suck, because they seem to love me a whole lot more than anyone ever has. It's time to face facts, boys: the worst thing that ever happened to Elena was meeting you Salvatores.
Damon: I'm going to cringe in discomfort, wink at Elijah, and then go "outside" for some "air."
Elijah: Keen. Let me help you with that. (Psssst, don't tell Klaus, but we're totally going to undagger my siblings, now.)
Elena and Matt return to Gilbert Gables...
Elena: Thanks for walking me home, Pudding Pop. Why did we break up, again?
Matt: Well, we don't have much chemistry.
Elena: That's because I haven't turned it on. Much like someone here hasn't turned on the lights, but we won't be suspicious when we find the power is out.
Matt: Really? Not even after I was just talking about how messed up this town is?
Elena: Not even then. Oh look. *Yawn* Blood.