Vampire Diaries

Episode Report Card
Cindy McLennan: A- | 4 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Family Ties That Bind And Gag
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously on The Vampire Diaries: Stefan? Century of secret. Elena? Spitting image of Katherine. Katherine? Fangy ho. Stefan to Damon: Ur luv wuz fake. Damon to Stefan: Our luv is so PUR!!!11. Journal? Jonathan Gilbert's. Grimoire? Emily Bennett's. Anna? Fangy TBD. Alaric? Hates Damon. Alaric: *gets in line* Stefan to Damon: I'll help u! Stefan to Elena: I totes pwnd Damon. Elena to Stefan: LOL. Cindy: OMGWTFBBQ, still not done with Lost recaps. Cindy: *dies*

Mystic Falls; 1864: Before she even turns him, Katherine teaches Damon the old play dead in the road trick for fun and profit -- or at least a warm meal. He lies in the road and pretends to be dead. Yes folks, he goes along with this, even while still human. When a horse-drawn carriage approaches, Katherine flags it down. The passenger scolds her that it's not safe to be out like that at night. Katherine vamps out. "No sir, it's not safe." She feeds on him and his driver and turns to Damon with a self-satisfied smile. "And that's how it's done." When Damon wants to know what happens with the bodies, Katherine shows she's right at home with her slot on the circle of life. "We'll take them into the woods and the other animals will finish them off." Damon seems to be struggling to keep his eyeballs in his head, but he so wants to please Katherine. When she asks if he's sure he's "ready for this," he says, "I'm ready; I want you to turn me." Because he's still human! She says, "When it's time." Then, still smeared with the blood of her victims, she tells Damon to kiss her. He takes out his handkerchief to wipe off her bloody face, but Katherine stops him. "You should get a taste." He tries, but can't bring himself to do it and backs off slightly with an, "I'm sorry." Katherine says, "Don't be. Soon, you won't be able to get enough." Damon's eyes travel from her eyes, to her mouth, and back up again, and then, steeling himself, he kisses her right on her dripping maw. Have I mentioned that HE IS STILL HUMAN? I gag until the title card appears.

Theme Song!

Mystic Falls; Present Day (morning): Elena and Stefan snuggle in his bed and I wonder how foul vampire morning breath is, but before I start gagging again, Damon surprises them with a "Rise and shine, sleepyheads." I need help, I know, but I love the Evil Pixie Monster. Stefan and Elena wrap the sheets tightly around themselves and yell at Damon, who is sitting right on the bed. He smirks. "Oh, stop being smutty." Stefan sounds for all the world like a regular aggravated brother. "Seriously, get out of here!" Damon grins because (as is often the case) he gets to say the best line of the night: "If I see something I haven't seen before, I'll throw a dollar at it." That tickles me twice, because Elena is, as the Previouslies tell us week after week, a dead ringer for Katherine. Damon says they have lots to do, "Now that we're all friends and working toward a common goal." They've got to find the journal, which will help them find the grimoire, which should contain the spell for freeing Katherine from the tomb under the old church ruins. He puts Elena on journal-location duty, since she's a Gilbert as was Jonathan. Stefan brings up the grimoire, and because she's never watched or read any stories in the fantasy genre, Elena asks what that is. Damon: "It's a witch's cookbook." Stefan: some long technical blah blah about spell documentation. Damon: "Yeah. Cookbook." Stefan wonders who Humpty Dumpty was working for, since he seemed too dim to have been heading the underground Free-Katherine Project. Damon notes it's to their disadvantage that they don't know, and claps sharply to get them up and at 'em. "Chop chop." Before he's all the way out of the room, he turns back to Elena and Stefan. "You know, I really like this whole menage a threesome team-thing. It's got a bit of a kink to it. Don't screw it up!" So mote it be.

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Vampire Diaries

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