Elena: Stefan brings me home to Gilbert Gables, even though it seems like I arrived at the ball by myself. Driving would have been pretty awkward, considering the volume of the skirt. Maybe I hired a one-way limo? It's not in the script. Stefan recaps about Esther's plan to kill of the whole family. I fret about how I had to lie right to Elijah's face.

Audience: We kind of hate you for that, Elena!

Stefan: Chill, chicky. You only signed Klaus's death sentence. The rest of them are just collateral damage.

Elena: Ain't no comfort like a Ripper comfort, 'cause a Ripper comfort don't... comfort.

Stefan: Where's your smooching partner, anyhoodle?

Elena: I'll totally call him and let him know I'm home. I'm not heartless, just conflicted.

Stefan: What's up with him going after Kol?

Recapper: Clearly, Kol's a prick.

Elena: And, well, it was Damon being self-destructive. I mean, who beats up an Original, at a house full of Originals?

Recapper: Crazy Damon does, and thank goodness for him, I say.

Matt: Word.

Recapper: Oh honey, you're not in this scene, and you should be getting X-rayed about now. Skeedaddle.

Elena: Yeah, because I was still talking. Anyhow, Stefan, I said something [to Damon] that I don't mean.

Damon and Elena Shippers Whom I Respect too much to Refer to as Delena Shippers: We can't even look at you right now, and it's only going to get worse. Ugh.

Stefan: I said something I didn't mean, too.

Recapper: Which thing -- was it where you told him it was Elena's idea to break his nibblicious neck, or when you told him he was a liability -- one who cares too much?

Stefan: I'm sorry. That's not in the script. Anyhow, see ya, E!

Elena: Stefan starts out, but I run out after him and ask if he really doesn't feel anything. I want to know how he does it, because I just can't. I feel everything.

Damon and Elena Shippers Whom I Respect too much to Refer to as Delena Shippers: You better not be feeling anything of Stefan's on the Porch of Pure Damon Love, ELENA!!!

Elena: How about if I just stand closer and closer?