Vampire Diaries

Episode Report Card
Cindy McLennan: A- | 1 USERS: A+
Francis Fukuyama Predicts...

Ian Somerhalder is all, "Whatever, Cindy. What about my breasts... er pecs? I'm shirtless over here, unlike andice-Cay." Good point, Ian. Damon is sleeping away, but something distracting happens with his chest, too. It rises and falls, which is just dumb. Now, the CW has to use human actors (Vampires won't join SAG). If they were shooting a cold scene in which the actor's breath was visible, I'd hand-wave it away; ditto the panting that tends to come after a fight scene. And if there were any dialogue going on, I'd remind myself that even if vamps don't need air to "live," it is necessary for vocalization. But it's not cold and he's not talking, and yet....

Meanwhile, Caroline is having a muted panic attack, and decides exiting the bed she's currently sharing with a monster might not be the worst idea. She gingerly lowers her feet to the ground. She has a cute little star tattoo on her right foot, which reminds me of my cousin J's star tattoos (but J's are on her neck -- she's hardcore). She makes her way to the door, and looks back TO SEE SOMERHALDER TAKING MORE DEEP BREATHS. She places her hand on the doorknob, silently blessing her co-star for making us forget about her earlier, unfortunate breast wonkiness, but the old knob squeaks (not a reference to Somerhalder's age). She looks back to make sure the incredible breathing vampire is still sleeping, but he's gone from the bed. And now, he's doing that annoying thing he and Stefan have going on, where they sneak up on women. I'm going to call it the Stealth Salvatore. After he says, "Good morning," Caroline backs away, breathing things like, "Please, don't..." She grabs a lamp and when she raises it like a weapon, Damon tries to warn her off, but thankfully, she ignores him. She smashes him with it, but she might as well have smashed him with a piece of limp spaghetti. Her parents, hearing the disturbance, burst in the room, so Damon flees out the nearest window. No, wait, this is the CW! There are no parents on this show that will interfere with their 17-year-old daughter picking up strangers and bringing them home for a slumber party or a good blood-sucking. Poorly-parented Caroline throws something else at Damon, but it bounces off. He finally throws her down on the bed and as she screams for him to get away from her, he says, "This could have gone a completely different way." He sniffs her blood-soaked pillow, vamps out, and moves in for the...TITLE CARD!

Mystic Falls High School: Resident Cutie-patootie, Matt Donovan (Elena's ex) tosses a football around the yard with some of the guys. I wonder if Zach Roerig laughed when he saw this episode was named "Friday Night Bites." I cried, because I wanted to use that as a homepage headline for this show, so instead you're stuck with the far more obscure "Francis Fukuyama Predicts..." Here. Let me Google that for you. Bonnie, now that her psyche has been overcome with dread, is encouraging Elena to play the field. Elena loves her for her concern, but she's starting to feel like things are getting better and some of that is thanks to Stefan. Meanwhile, Vicki approaches Jeremy on the bleachers, bragging that she's just scored tickets to see The Posers at The Rat. All over the greater Boston area, people of a certain age join me in sighing, "Oh, The Rat," while the younger Guitar Hero II devotees cock their heads in wonder. Jeremy surprises me when he doesn't melt in a pool at Vicki's feet and instead tells her to have fun with Tyler. I'm also surprised that Vicki doesn't seem to care that last week Jeremy blurted out to everyone -- including her big brother -- the sordid truth about what they did last summer. When he asks if she only slept with him to score drugs, Vicki says, "Screw you," but Jeremy says that he's all ears if she comes up with another reason. He then walks off, leaving Vicki confused and longing for the days when boys were fighting over her, not with her.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11Next

Vampire Diaries




Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP