You're only expecting a spew, right? Great! Here we go. There's Lexi and Stefan rocking out to Bon Jovi. And hey, can I just say, the Other Side can't be all that bad, if you can get hair extensions. Am I right, Lexi? There's Stefan telling Lexi that Elena is the love of his life. There are nasty undead hunters, who can't stay dead even when you rip out their hearts. There are wooden bullets, laced with werewolf venom and shot into Damon's attractive chest. There's an unlikely Klaus solution to that problem, but I'm getting ahead of myself. There's Damon taking Hunter Vaughn on a fool's errand. There is Alaric being unbelievably awesome (like GILES levels of awesome), getting the best of Hunter Connor, and then claiming the Mystic Grill as his very own bar (which it totally is). There's Katherine out for Elena's blood. There's Dead Bonnie's planned raising of the veil. In the midst of all that, there's an actual graduation ceremony. And then mostly? There are lots and lots of tears, only to be outdone by confusion.

Here's what I can tell you right now. The sire bond is DEAD, may it unrest and rot in relentless agony. Stabby stabby kill kill. The good news (your 'ship may vary) is that even with the sire bond dead, Elena truly, madly, deeply loves Damon. You know what's deader than the sire bond, though? Bonnie! No really, haters. I like Bonnie (and thought she went out on a heroic note and can't guarantee you'll never again have to look on her) but I wouldn't troll you like that.

There are Matt and Rebekah smoochies and plans for a wonderful summer abroad (yet on the down low). There is also a Klaus and Caroline smoochie. Klaus is allowing Tyler to return to Mystic Falls, but tells Caroline that while the boy may be her first love, he (Klaus) will be her last. My only nit to pick about any of that is that I wish Tyler could have returned for the graduation ceremony. There are multiple fake outs about who is going to get the cure, but at the end of the day, Elena (who tried to give it to Stefan, so he could start over) shoves it down KATHERINE'S throat. That's right. The best vampire vixen of modern history is a human at the hand of her own descendant/doppelgänger. I sort of love that more than I can say.

Near the end, Jeremy is once again truly alive. But that's not even a thing, because aside from the fact that Bonnie isn't merely dead, but really and sincerely dead, I am sad (MOURNFUL) to report that Alaric and Lexi seem to shuffle back to the Other Side. But that's not even a thing, because Silas isn't so desiccated or calcified, or otherwise rocklike. According to him, when Bonnie died last week, the calcification spell she cast on him died with her. That would be all well and good, had the lowered veiled immediately raised itself again. No, seriously. Magical plots require consistency. You writers know I both love and envy you, but there have to be rules, borders, and an end zone. This is mostly why this episode garners an A- rather than an A+.

At the very end of the hour, Silas reveals himself to Stefan, while wearing Elena's meatsuit. He exposits about how Bonnie's death freed him from rockville, and starts blathering about doppelgängers, but then he turns into a Stefan lookalike, so if he's a doppelgänger, he's not a Petrova, but rather, he's Stefan's doppelgänger. Yes. Stylus is a reality. Worst of all, Stylus shoves Stefan in a coffin or locker or the like, and throws him to the bottom of the quarry. Yes. Stefan is trapped underwater for the nonce. Oh Stefan. How Angel of you. And here I was thinking last week was Whedonesque. Julie Plec, expect a letter from Joss's attorney, forthwith.

I'm sad to report that Lexi, Kol, and especially ALARIC, seem to have headed back to the other side. I'm especially bummed about Alaric. If we're going all Whedonverse, here, then Ric is the Giles that kisses our booboos and makes them all better, if only Julie Plec would let him. (Jules, the fandom is about to take to Kickstarter.com and raise bribe money.) I'll be back with the full recap, ASAP. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to the forum, where we're casting spells like crazy, to get Alaric back.