Vampire Diaries
Into The Wild

Episode Report Card
Cindy McLennan: C | 8 USERS: B
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Campfire Stories

Present Day. Craphole Island, Down East. Shane whispers to no one in particular, except possibly the voices he undoubtedly hears in his now curly-topped head, "Congratulations, we made it." This earworms me with Barry Manilow's "Looks Like We Made It," so Shane can die bloody or in a fire or in a bloody fire any moment now, please. He turns to watch as the gang unloads their gear from the boats. Title card.

Damon, who is squatting on the beach and sharpening a knife, sees Shane and asks why the cure couldn't have been stashed in Hawaii. Yeah, I mentioned that in the recaplet, but I covered Lost, y'all. I think I'm contractually obligated to acknowledge those sorts of references. Shane exposits that they're 200 miles off the Nova Scotia mainland. I don't usually hear mainland used to describe Nova Scotia. It's not at all wrong, but Nova Scotia is a peninsula. Give it a little more climate change and it will be an island. I'm picking to pick, aren't I? That's annoying. I'm sorry. I'll stop now.

Damon exposits about Silas, then Shane offers him some sunscreen. Damon: "Is that supposed to be a joke?" Shane stares blankly, then says, "Right." This "joke" is so awkward, I spent about ten minutes pondering their brief exchange. Putting vampirism aside, I don't care what dermatologists say: You don't need sunscreen in Nova Scotia in January, especially if you're going to be spending most of your time in the woods. You're more in danger of developing a Vitamin D deficiency than a sunburn. But mostly -- look, if you're going to make the vampire/sunscreen joke, be a little creative, Shane. We're supposed to buy that Stefan is eternally 17 and Damon is somewhere in the neighborhood of being eternally 21. Both men are fine with a capital FOINE, but neither looks that young, so hang a lantern on that, Professor. Give Damon the business about how excessive use of the daywalker ring seems to be exposing him to photo-aging or something. Yeah, I know vampires insta-heal, but if Ric's ring could save him from mundane deaths just because they were brought about by supernatural beings, then I'm ready, willing and able to fanwank about the faces of our beautiful Brothers Salvatore. Just work with me, Shane. He doesn't listen.

Meanwhile, Stefan, who probably fancies himself the Jack Shephard of this piece, is tying a knot and giving Rebekah a hard time about not helping, so I immediately think of them as Shannon and Boone, which is confusing, because Damon is Boone. It's like how Jared Padalecki plays Sam (brother of Dean) on Supernatural, but he played Dean on Gilmore Girls. Okay, I've lost all but three of you, now, but you three know exactly what I mean, yes? Thank goodness. Anyhow Stefan isn't actually looking for help with knot-tying. What he wants is for Rebekah to avoid getting under Elena's skin, but it's too late. When Rebekah lists Elena's sins, Elena stops in her tracks and says, "You know I can hear you, right?" Rebekah: "You now I don't care, right?" With that, Elena Stealth Salvatores up in Rebekah's grill and tries to stake her with the Perma-Son of White Oak stake. Of course she fails and Rebekah knocks her down, but doesn't confiscate the stake. This makes not one bit of narrative sense. Contrivance Fairy: "Patience, Grasshopper. Later, you will come to understand why I enchanted Rebekah such that she doesn't take the only weapon capable of killing her and her ilk." After twittering about how Stefan likes her (Becky) again, Rebekah wiggles off. Stefan offers Elena a hand in getting up, but she's feeling petulant, so she ignores it. Stefan walks away, which is something he should do more often.

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Vampire Diaries

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