Alaric: Well, it's possible we might. Why tell the truth? It's far too simple and useful.
Jenna: Now get out of this house.
Alaric: Since you're hefting that duffel and moving toward the door, it looks like you're already leaving, so why do I have to?
Elena: Where are you going, Jenna?
Jenna: I'm going to stay on campus because in Mystic Falls, grad students can get on-campus housing, mid-semester, at a moment's notice.
Recapper: I think that's why people are so good looking here. They have the big-ass problems of vampires and werewolves, but they really don't have the everyday stressors.
Dorothy Parker: Word. It's not the tragedies that kill us; it's the messes.
Jenna: Am I not even allowed a tearful, dramatic exit?
Recapper: Have at it, girl.
Uncle John (sic) "Snark Daddy" Gilbert: Hey Ric, sucks to your ass-mar.
Piggy: Yeah. Besides, it sucks to my ass-mar. I mean asthma.
Ralph: And possibly your auntie.
Recapper: Yes. Ew. Let's move back to The Vampire Diaries. Thank you though for your cameo, um..."gentlemen." Now where were we?
John: I was just going to give Alaric a little I told you so crap about keeping secrets from Jenna.
Alaric: And then I was going to punch this little twit right in the face and bloody his nose.
Elena: And then I was going to laugh and laugh.
Recapper: DONE! And scene.
At Fortress Forbes, at some point...
Caroline: Stefan, hi. This is Caroline. We've got a problem. Matt knows all about vampires and that I am one, and he knows what happened to Vicki, too.
Stefan: I should have let Damon kill you. Clean it up, will ya. Find him. Compel him. Just fix it.
Caroline's Car's Product Placement: I have a hands-free phone, but you're still not going to get through to Pudding Pop.
Later, at Gilbert Gables...
John: Elena, Stefan, I have a surprise for you.
Isobel: Snerk. Cough. Giggle.
Elena: You invited this vampwaste in my house? Okay, Uncle Daddy, now you're just trying to make me hate you. Trust me. I already do.
Audience: So do we!
Isobel: Ahem. I need to have a serious conversation with you about snicker Satan Klaus. He like...um...wants to kill you and stuff.