John: Well, Isobel and I were just trying to get Elena to trust us as parents.
Isobel: Right. Snort. As if. I mean, yeah. We've got your back honey, just like always.
Elena: Dear Lord, I know I'm not all that religious...
The Lord: Seriously, my child. You don't call. You don't write. Where's the love?
Elena: I know, and I'm sorry about that, because honestly, if you never do anything else for me, seeing to it that I was adopted away from these two was the best thing ever. Thank you. Amen.
The Lord: You're welcome. Now excuse me, but there's trouble in the Middle East, and the Far East, and the Midwest, and well, all over.
Elena: I hear ya, brother...I mean Father. Thanks again.
Recapper: Should we move on to the civic event o' the week?
Recapper: Whatever that scholarship thing is -- you know, the one in your mother's name. Jenna asked you to take care of it before she swanned off.
Elena: Oh, right. It's off to the Lockwood Mansion we go.
At the Lockwood Mansion...
Mayoral Mama Mulva: And so this week, we're gathering to give a check to the Miranda Gilbert Scholarship fund. Elena?
Elena: Thank you.
John: Isobel, what are you doing here? Do you still like me? Do ya? Do ya?
Isobel: Well, you're not sinsemilla, but you'll do as a distraction.
John: Goodness, woman. Are you ever not high? What are you talking about?
Isobel: [vamps out] First, I'm going to bite you on the neck and drain your blood, then I'm going to send your corpse tumbling down the staircase.
John: Oh, I can see how that would... THUD.
Civic Event O' The Week Attendees: GASP!
Mayoral Mama Lockwood and She's The Sheriff: Nothing to see. Move it along. It's only a flesh wound.
Civic Event O' The Week Attendees: We're not as dumb as we look, we just want to get the hell out of here.
Recapper: So noted.
Katherine: Hey Elena, nice dress.
Elena: Why are you wearing the same...
Katherine: [snatches Elena]
Stefan: Is blind.
Isobel: [absconds with Elena]
Katherine-As-Elena: Stefan my honey bunny, I'm just going to call Damon and tell him about Uncle John's sorta-death.
Stefan: Sure thing Sugar Lips. [...] Hey, you're not my Sugar Lips. You're my Venom Lips. Where's Elena?