Vampire Diaries

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Cindy McLennan: A | 1 USERS: A+
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I Done Told You Stefan Was The Scariest Vampire In Town

I'm pressed for time, so I'm skipping the Previouslies, but take note: last week, Jeremy introduced them. This week, it's Damon.

NOW; Gilbert Gables: It's a dark and stormy night. The Gilberts, who live in a posh single-family home in a tony area of Mystic Falls, can't afford any window screens because they're ORPHANS, you cold hearted snakes. But fortunately, the windows still open and close, so when the thunder and lightning get a little too close for comfort, Elena wakes with a start, rises, and starts shutting them.

Meanwhile, Elena's little brother Jeremy, who is in dire need of a hair cut, is receiving a lady-caller in his boudoir. Scandalous! What's even more scandalous though, is that lady is no lady, she's Anna -- a centuries old girl-child/vampire. Jeremy feels her out (not up -- not yet) about vampire myth versus legend -- Dracula, in particular. The wee Spike, who lurks in the shadows of my office, feels the need to chime in. "Poncy bugger owes me eleven pounds, for one thing." Hush, Spicule. Didn't you read where I said I'm short on time? I know you're all "Dracula Schmacula," but let the children speak. Maybe we'll learn something new about our favorite Transylvanian. Besides, you've got to admit his supernatural abilities are intriguing. "Nothing but showy Gypsy stuff." Hush, I said. Hush. Anna tells the Germ that Drac is not only a complete wuss, but also a stinker who never showers. Spike: "I liiiiiike this bird." Then Anna is all PSYCHE! There's no such thing as Dracula, you tool. Ah, young love.

Jeremy continues trying to talk Anna into turning him into a vampire, because... he's just not angsty enough as a regular human teenager, darn it. When he can't even try to give her one good reason to turn him, she laughs and tells him to let her know once he can. Just then, there's a knock on Jeremy's door. Anna uses her vampyric speed to disappear, which is a good thing, because it's Elena doing the knocking. She needs some help closing the windows, 'cause she's a girl, I guess.

Pearl's Pilfered Pad: Fast Freddy sharpens stakes as he asks Pearl for more blood. She'll send Anna to the hospital tomorrow, but forbids Fast Freddy from trekking along (even if it's rainy enough to make the sunlight a non-issue -- seems he lacks a daywalker ring) because of the stunt he and the late (but not so great) Bethanne pulled with the Brothers Salvatore. Pearl -- who, my word, is beautiful -- goes on to lecture him about self-control, patience and not living their lives for the sake of revenge. Fast Freddy yeses her to death, but once she's gone, he fondles his stake and makes it clear to his sub-minions that while Pearl thinks she has it all figured out, she is so not the boss of them, because nothing can defeat the penis.

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Vampire Diaries

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