No, seriously, picture it: We're zooming through this season's finale at the usual 150 m.p.h. Jeremy's in danger. Elena's gone rogue, again. Caroline is awesome. Bonnie's got her eyes glued to a grimoire (but not literally, because I have an eye squick). Damon and Stefan are thwarting each other at every turn. Newly unbedaggered Elijah is back, being all handsome. Alaric is still handsome too, as well as drunk. He has to carry his liver in a sidecar now, because it's gotten too big for his body. Nobody can figure out how to kill Klaus, but they're not too upset by that, because they no longer remember that's what they're supposed to be doing. They all run into each other at the Grill, where it's Ladies' Night, so Matt is working, shirtless. The ghosts of Pearl and Anna, eye him appreciatively, and he's none the wiser, 'til ghost-Vicki shows up and tips him off. Matt blushes, because he's starved for affection, but that just makes him more appealing.
Everyone is so self-involved, that they don't even see Klaus standing there wearing a shirt that reads, "Decapitation should at least debilitate me, if not outright kill me." (Hush. Large shirt. Small print.) Tyler pants and wags his tail. Finally, Klaus grabs the mic (it's not just Ladies' Night, it's Karaoke night, m'kay) and says, "Oh my stars and garters. Do I have to do everything myself?" The Fellowship of the Falls freezes in its tracks, 'til Damon finally yells out, "Do what?" Katherine, who has just arrived, purrs, "I think he means kill him." Stefan: "Is that what we were trying to do? I thought Damon and I were here to arm wrestle for Elena's affections, which I have been craving, oh so secretly, all season long." Katherine: "No, Stefan, I knew I should have written it down. Step one: Kill Klaus. Step two: naked oil wrestle with Damon, for Elena's affections. Step three: Winner gets me, because...duh winning."
Klaus taps on the microphone: "Is this thing on?" The feedback makes all the vampires wince and brings the hybrids to their knees. Bonnie smirks. Klaus grabs an axe from behind the bar. (What? Matt stowed it there, when he found out about vampires.) Klaus: "How many things do you know that can survive without a head?" Tyler: "Um, earthworms, right? I think I skipped Science class that day." Elena: "We have a Science class?" Klaus raises the axe to his own throat and pushes through with all his might, but when he gets to his spinal column, he severs the nerves that make his arms work, and can't finish the job. "Oh, that's just swell." Damon nudges Elena as he points at Klaus. "Look, Hermione. It Nearly Headless Nik."