It was a dark and stormy night... What's that -- you say you don't like cheese? I don't believe you, because you've been sleeping outside the cheese factory just salivating for your first free sample, so let's dispense with the pretense. Originally an artisan product handcrafted by Y.A. author L.J. Smith, The Vampire Diaries is now in the hands of corporate cheese: Outer Banks Entertainment, Alloy Entertainment, and Warner Bros, who have brought on accomplished cheesemakers Kevin Williamson (Scream, and some other little show that will always be the big cheese [head cheese; five-head cheese] 'round these parts) and Julie Plec (Kyle XY) to oversee mass production. Williamson and Plec must be doing something right, because they have won over an initially skeptical L.J. Smith, and the series premiere of The Vampire Diaries drew an audience of 4.91 million viewers (cancellation levels for the real networks, but those are the biggest ratings for any CW premiere. Ever). With that said, I do believe it's now "Time for Timer", so please follow me to the tasting room, if you hanker for a hunk of cheese. If you're at least 21, you may want to grab a bottle of something, to wash it down. If you're under 21, you'll learn within the hour that drinking is bad, bad, very bad for you young'uns, so I'll preach no more.

Now where were we? Lessee -- it's a dark and stormy night, well okay, it's foggy, or soon will be. Take a moment and get used to it, as over a shot of a fog filled forest, Stefan Salvatore (Paul Wesley) narrates that for over a century he's lived in secret, hiding in the shadows, "Until now. I am a vampire and this is my story." Did anyone else go here? I am a vampire. I am a vampire. Just me, then. M'kay.