Well it figures that one of the few times The Vampire Diaries takes a moment to let it breathe, we all end up with a snootful of rotting corpse. I'm so depressed right now, I don't feel like watching this show ever again. Don't get me wrong; aside from a few logistical head-scratchers and the tortured mythology that has bogged down Season Gore Cure Bore Four, "Stand By Me" is a strong episode. It just left me wanting to shuffle off this mortal coil.

I don't understand how this all happens -- how we go through this. I mean, I knew her him and then she's he's... there's just a body. And I don't understand why she he just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And Xander's Matt's crying and not talking. And I was having fruit punch wine and I thought well, Joyce Jeremy will never have any more fruit punch wine ever. And she'll he'll never have eggs or yawn or brush her his hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.

That paragraph I've pilfered from Buffy the Vampire Slayer is all I feel like saying about "Stand By Me," but sadly, I don't get paid to pull out relevant Jossisms and apply them to other shows. Okay. I don't only get paid to pull out relevant Jossisms and apply them to other shows. So let's talk about The Vampire Diaries, shall we?

Jeremy is really and sincerely dead. Stefan helps Elena bring him home, because the Contrivance Fairy has trapped Damon on Craphole Island Down East and won't release him until he finds Bonnie. Along with Rebekah, Damon questions Vaughn, who, unsurprisingly, has been working with Katherine. From what Vaughn says, it sounds like the search for Katherine will lead us to New Orleans, just in time to set up the backdoor pilot for The Originals.

"Shane" finds Bonnie and uses his death to tempt her into more fully helping Silas. Once Silas became immortal a.k.a. the Original Original Vampire, he could no longer wield magic. Bonnie has to be his wand, as it were. They'll need to sacrifice another dozen people to harness all the juju needed and complete the mystical triangle of convolution, but "Shane" lies that those sacrificed will all be brought back by Silas (and later contradicts this). Bonnie refuses to play his reindeer games, until she trips over what is only a Silas-induced vision of a dying Jeremy (the truly dead Jeremy is already back at Gilbert Gables). When her magic flares out of control, "Shane" talks her down and talks her into riding shotgun to crazy town. Just when Damon has given up looking for her, Bonnie stumbles out of the woods. Damon is so happy he could hug her -- and, in fact, does. That might be the most shocking development on The Vampire Diaries. Ever.

Back in Mystic Falls, Elena watches over Jeremy's corpse. She argues that since his hunter's mark disappeared, perhaps he was no longer supernatural when he died so the Protect-o Ring may yet save him. Meanwhile, people in the neighboring county are overwhelmed by the stench of his decaying flesh. Stefan brings Meredith over to examine the body. When Meredith gently explains the condition of the corpse to Elena, Elena dials the denial up to 11 and says Mystic Falls isn't about Science -- it's about magic. Caroline brings Matt to Gilbert Gables, in hopes that he can help. Matt does his best and brings Elena to the Stoner Pit at school, where both Vicki and Jeremy have left their marks. There, he tells her it is okay to hope, which seems contrary to his mission, but Matt has been living with this loss for however much time has elapsed on this crazy show. I think my Poor Pudding Pop can't bear to burst his best girl's bubble.

By the time Damon and Bonnie return to town, our Evil Pixie Monster realizes that Bonnie has lost touch with reality. While Bonnie vomits her crazy all over the rest of the Fellowship of the Falls, Damon and Stefan have a private talk outside. Bonnie tells Elena and the gang that if they slaughter another dozen victims, they'll have completed the magical triangle and will have enough mojo to tear down the veil between their world and the other side. It seems that back when Q trapped Silas in the tomb, she created The Other Side as a sort of purgatory for supernaturals, so clearly, Q was a ghost writer for Season Six of Lost. Once the veil is torn, all the supernaturals who ever died, including not only Jeremy, but Jenna, Alaric, Vicki, Grams and a thousand million brazillion monsters will be loosed. And here I sit, having already squandered the word cockamamie on Elena's plan to kill Kol.

Elena is shocked by the insanity spewing from her BFF. Before she can summon up a response, the phone rings. It's April, looking for Jeremy. In that moment, the truth pierces Elena's illusions and she speaks it: Jeremy is dead. While Matt takes Bonnie home and Caroline returns to Fortress Forbes to leave yet another voice mail for Tyler, Stefan and Elena watch helplessly as Elena breaks down in in the most spectacular fashion. She pours lighter fluid over Jeremy, his sketches, family pictures, a journal and everything else she can, as she explains that they need a cover for Jeremy's death and she needs to stop living smack dab in the middle of Loss Central. Damon stops her just before she drops the match. Her sobs are too much for the Salvatores, though, the big wusses. This girl needs to cry hard and she needs to do it, right now. There's no skipping over this pain. The only way out is through. Stefan begs Damon to use the sire bond to help their girlfriend. Eventually, Damon orders Elena to turn it off -- it being her humanity. She complies. That'll end well, I'm sure.

Although now she has become comfortably numb, in the end, Elena still decides she never again wants to set foot in Gilbert Gables, so she lights another match. Her brother -- her belongings -- her memories go up in smoke. Caroline should have been here to advise Elena to save a few outfits. Yes, I know our girl is grieving, but she can't walk around naked for the rest of the season. This is the CW, not HBO.

Back on Craphhole Down East, Rebekah "Alone Again Naturally" Mikaelsson makes her way to the shore and finds Shane, lying in pain. All he can say is "Silas." Meanwhile, as Bonnie approaches the Bennett Bungalow, "Shane" approaches her. This is when he admits that while the supernaturals will rise again, the humans sacrificed are pretty much dead. I just hope someone realizes that Finn, Kol, Esther and Mikael the Vampire-Vampire Slayer will be resurrected as well, and puts a stop to this. Of course they'll have to find Katherine, get The Bore from her and ram it down Silas's throat. I hope he's still wearing his Shane meatsuit at the time, because that will make it doubly fun to watch.

I'm going to go sit in the truck and cry with Matt. Once I've composed myself, I will return with the full recap. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then come on over to the forum, where the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire.

Bid a final farewell to Jeremy Gilbert, look back this episode's most jaw-dropping moments and get the scoop on what's next from our friends at Wetpaint.

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