Vampire Diaries
The Five

Episode Report Card
admin: C+ | 5 USERS: A
Race For The Cure
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Welcome back, everyone. I hope those of you who were hit by Sandy are doing better than you were this time last week. I have friends who are still without power (and some without power and water), but they're safe and sound, and made of much tougher stuff than I am. While the Seaboard is just starting to fight its way back, there is some immediate good news. Our long national nightmare is over. Okay, if you think President Obama is our long national nightmare, you might not see it that way. I'm looking at it from a non-partisan point of view though, so I'm speaking strictly of the election itself.

This is sad, morbid, really, but I won't let that stop me. Years ago (I think I was 19), my dad's twin was dying. We were at the hospital with him. He had a treatment, and then, because of the cancer (and the "cure") he was really out of it. We had a baseball game on the TV. When it ended, my uncle whipped off his oxygen mask and said, "Are we done? Is it over? Are we done?" That's exactly how I feel about this election. I mentioned this the other day, on Facebook, and Demian said I should have saved my anecdote for something better than Facebook. I reminded him I'm not above plagiarizing myself, and now I've proven it (and will do so more than once in this recap). So there you go. It's over, America. It's over. And if it's not. If I'm hallucinating, please just hush up and let me keep doing so. Oh my word. I just realized this is turning into an episode of The Recapper Diaries, so I'll just shut up and get to the show. You ready? Okay!

1110 A.D. A witch -- of African ancestry, of course -- gathers five hunky young lads in the woods, possibly to audition them for the first ever Chippendales show. They have capes, and make me want to watch Thor. The witch does a little hokey. She does a little pokey. She adds a dash of hocus, and pinch of pocus. Presto-chango, Buffy's mystical ancestors now have five proper heavily-tattooed potential (and oh yes, this episode uses that word) suitors. If only there'd been the internet dating back then (which I'm not completely discounting, since according to The Vampire Diaries, there were Vikings and horses in Virginia, even earlier), we might have created a super race of monster hunters, but I digress. Yes, most of that was plagiarized from the recaplet, but that's only because I regularly screw myself over when writing the recaplets. I should have exercised some restraint and saved that for this recap, so think of his as a successful recovery mission, and please follow me to a fresh, original paragraph, starting at...

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Vampire Diaries




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