Vampire Diaries

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Cindy McLennan: A- | 2 USERS: A+
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Bite Me

We open on Damon lying shirtless and at least half uncovered in bed. The camera lovingly pans up his sleeping form, giving more love to his left pec, than his right, lingering on his throat which moves as he swallows, then zooming in on his beautiful profile. Those eyes -- those eyes -- they snap open and flicker. Hey, I take your frivolous escape seriously, gentle reader. Damon furrows his brow as his listens to the conversation taking place on the first floor of Mossy Manse, where Elijah is telling Elena and Stefan since the moon is full tonight, the Fellowship of the Falls must work on the assumption that Satan Klaus intends to sacrifice Elena and perform the Doppelganger Ritual tonight.

Elijah and Stefan jockey for the role of exposition fairy as they go back and forth with the details I laid out in my "Previously on the Vampire Diaries" paragraph. Damon, sadly be-shirted now, bursts in and insists they have Bonnie kill Klaus right now. Elena shuts that down, because she won't have Bonnie dying just to protect her. Damon: "I'll write her eulogy." Hee. Elijah explains Elena's role in the ritual. Along with killing a werewolf and a vampire, Klaus must drink the blood of the Doppelganger to the point of her death. Um? But wait, Elijah has a plan! He has this elixir he procured from witches 500 years ago, in hopes of saving Katherine. Supposedly, if the Doppelganger drinks this elixir, she will die when Satan Klaus drains her blood, and the presto change-o, she won't be dead any more. And they tested this how? Just sayin'...

Damon has had it with everyone and everything. "That's your plan? A magical witch potion with no expiration date?" I'm with you, Damon. Elijah's Elixir (stop that snickering, you pervs) impresses me not. Damon suggests Elena wear John Gilbert's Protect-o ring, because really, who gives a toss about Uncle Snark Daddy -- but Elijah explains that the ring only protects humans. As a Doppelganger is a supernatural occurrence, the odds are the ring won't protect Elena. Well, sheeesh, can't someone craft a Doppelganger-specific Protect-o Ring? I mean hell, they have rings that let Vampires walk in the sun, and rings that protect John Gilbert from being tossed off a balcony by a vampire. Seriously, with all those grimoires Bonnie rescued from the Manwitch apartment, isn't there something? You could experiment on Katherine, for cry-yi-yi. Nobody listens and Damon and I are just sick of it.

Meanwhile, over at the Mayoral Mansion, Mayor Carol "Mama Mulva" Lockwood climbs the stairs as she leaves her M.I.A. son Tyler a voice mail. "I've had an accident and I'm in the hospital." Liar, liar, pants on fire! Oh, wait, as Mama Mulva closes with a plea for Ty to come home, we see Satan Klaus's new manwitch, Maddox, standing at the top of the staircase, coaching Carol on what to say. When she hangs up, she asks why she said what she did. Maddox tells her that's because she had a terrible fall and then he mojos her down the enormous staircase and over the bannister.

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Vampire Diaries

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