Now, on The Vampire Diaries -- the Germ voices the "Previously, on The Vampire Diaries..." which I'll hit in the full weecap. In the meanwhile...

Human Hovel: Last week, I thought Pearl and Anna's Human Minion was a Miss Gibbons, but it's Miss Givens (or perhaps, Miss Given, but either way, she ought to be having misgivings). She seems to be the taste du jour for Pearl, Anna, Harper, Bethanne (African-American she-vamp who made eyes at Harper last week) and... Frederick. We've never seen him before, and to date, we don't give a rat's patootie about him, but there you go. Anyhow, Frederick is another vampire from 1864, and although he's not terribly interested in text messaging, remote control cable channel selection and everything else the newly freed vamps have to learn, he does have an interest -- in blood.

Damon Salvatore, Kelly Donovan and Jenna Somers all meet up at the Grill. They're flirting and drinking too much, like you knew they would. We'll leave them in their debauchery for now.

Elena, Stefan, Caroline and Matt are also at the Grill. They're giving the old double-date a try, but Caroline's having a hard time standing by while Matt and Elena stroll down memory lane. Eventually, Caroline summons Elena to the ladies room and gives her the what-for. But...on their way back, Frederick stops Elena and calls her...Katherine. Elena plays dumb and sidles back on over to Stefan's side and informs him, via an unsent text message, that a strange vamp thinks she's Katherine. By the time Stefan looks in the right direction -- Frederick is gone.

Elena, Stefan, Caroline and Matt retreat to Moss Manse, where Caroline is still smack dab in the middle of a hissy fit, but Stefan does his best to smooth the waters by having Matt help him fix his classic car. Once the boys get the dream machine running, Stefan tells Matt to take a Caroline for a ride. Caroline and Matt iron out all the Elena-shaped differences they can with a stick shift still between them, and return to Mossy Manse, where...

Damon and Kelly Donovan are making out when Caroline and Matt re-enter the mansion and Stefan and Elena -- I don't know -- round the corner, or something. Matt takes Kelly home. Elena will take Caroline home, and call Stefan when she's all tucked in for the night. Jenna left Damon and Kelly hours ago, and Frederick tried to pick her up, but her Vervain cologne put him off.

Anyhow, once the kiddos are gone, Frederick and Bethanne burst into Mossy Manse. Since there's no human in residence, no invite is required. Bethanne meets her death at the business end of Stefan's stake, but Frederic escapes and returns to Ms. Givens' house, before the Salvatores can rid themselves of him. Pearl makes him pay the penalty, but good.

And somewhere in there, Jeremy and Anna have a kind of date, but Jeremy has been doing some research (remind me to tell you about his Paula Abdul inquiry in the full weecap) and starts to... believe in vampires, so when Anna comes over, he intentionally cuts his palm and taunts Anna with his blood. He keeps on her until she vamps out and feeds off him, but when they're interrupted by Jenna's return, Anna flees.

Later, while Elena is calling Stefan to report that she's all tucked in for the night, Anna reappears in Jeremy's bedroom, and confirms his worst fears/greatest hopes. Jeremy remembers that Vicki wasn't quite right, and yet it doesn't quite seem like she was on drugs. He faces Anna, and asks her to turn him. DUN!

I'm starting the weecap now, but in the meantime, come on over to the forums, where you can only drink our minions' blood after you've asked us three times.