Holy crow! Stefan's keeping Damon hopped up on Vervain and locked down in the dungeon, in a re-education camp, if you will. He's also taken his magical ring. Why didn't he stake him, you ask? I'm with you, and Stefan will be by the end of the episode. But at the top of the episode, Stefan has the upper hand, and so he tells Damon and us what will happen if Damon doesn't feed for a week. His skin will desiccate; he'll mummify; and eventually, he'll become a living corpse -- unable to hurt anyone, ever. Stefan plans on moving him to the family crypt. He says they'll "reevaluate" the situation in 50 years. We'll discuss this mythology moment in the weecap.

Meanwhile, Elena's still pissed at Stefan for... um... having a private life. Stefan makes plans to meet her at the Grill and give her some answers, but when he's an hour late, Elena confides her concerns in my Pudding Pop, Matt, who is finally back after a horrendously long absence of one whole week. Matt, being walking perfection, shoots straight with Elena, and doesn't try to cock-block Stefan. But when Stefan finally shows up (he's late because he was saving Zach from Damon – which I'll cover in the full weecap), an older patron recognizes him, and says all sorts of bizarre things to and about him, including how he hasn't aged a day. When Stefan won't come immediately clean with Elena, she storms off. Since Jeremy has Vicki in his bed and a spring in his step, he does what he can to help the two love birds make up. He tricks his pouting sister into going to the kitchen to get something to eat, and Stefan is there, making her chicken parmesan, which totally works for me. He gives her some sanitized backstory about his triangle with Katherine and Damon and then a bunch of fluff that satisfies her curiosity, for now. But when she cuts her finger, Stefan vamps. Elena catches sight of this -- but only as reflected in the kitchen window, and Stefan gets himself under control before she sees his true face.

The next day, the cheerleaders hold a car wash to raise funds for.. .er... the right to wear the bikinis on school property. When Caroline goes inside the school to get more towels, Damon sends his crow, and/or his astral projection to lure her to Mossy Manse and set him free. Zach stops her in the nick of time and orders her to run, which she does, but Damon breaks out of the dungeon and breaks Zach's neck! I saw that coming when Zach earlier told Damon he'd been spiking his own coffee with Vervain for years, but it was still effective. Damon takes off after her, but without his magic ring, the sun singes his lovely face and keeps him a prisoner in Mossy Manse. Elena also skips out in the middle of the car wash after she sees the old man from the Grill (the one who recognized Stefan), and he tells her about an "animal attack" from 1953 that killed a Joseph Salvatore – and that Stefan and Damon were around for it all. Since Logan "Scum" Fell is sniffing around Aunt Jenna at the car wash, Elena gets him to let her see his TV station's news archives. She wants to research this "animal attack" from 1953. When she finds footage that features Stefan at a distance, she launches into a DIARY-ahhh for the ages, which amounts to how she's totally skeptical, and yet now totally believes in vampires.

Meanwhile, Damon gets out at night and happens upon Vicki and her druggie friends, partying in the cemetery. Jeremy left her there when he realized she stole his sister's medication to share with the rabble. Damon's in the mood for leftovers, and Vicki's one of his favorite flavors. Although it's not crystal-clear, it certainly appears he drains her dry. Stefan returns home to find a mangled crow and a dead Zach. He grabs a stake and heads out to do to Damon that which he should have done in the first place, only to meet Elena at the door. She has more questions, because clearly, this is all about her.

Also, Bonnie has some more psychic friends moments in which she accidentally vents her ire on Mean Girl Tiki. Bonnie is freaked by the intensity of her powers and runs home, where's she's greeted by a desiccated corpse, well on its way to mummification. No, wait. That's just Jasmine Guy. What the hell did Dwayne Wayne do to her, man? She's way too young to play Grams and yet...

Also, Logan weasels his way into Gilbert Gables and steals the pocket watch. And we've got to figure out if Vicki's dead . I know I'm one of the few, but I hope not. I really like her. But there's so much more to talk about, too, like a few juicy mythology moments, and my sweet Pudding Pop in a tank top. I'll hit that (ahem), and more in the weecap. So come on back now, y'hear? In the meantime, take your OMGWTF! They killed Zach even though I was already 'shipping him with Jenna -- BASTARDS! to the forums, and try to keep your T-shirts dry, you hussies.

Discuss this episode in our VD forums, then see what vloggers Val and Beth think of ancient vampires dating teenagers in TV is the Answer.