Extra! Extra! This Movie Sucks!
To start, I'd like to say that I have never watched the ABC Family Channel before, meaning that I have never seen any of its original programming. I can't say that I'm likely to again after this offering, although I am kind of awed that the network execs approved this pitch: "Kim Possible and an annoyingly squeaky-voiced girl join forces and use the power of the pen to defeat a wide array of high-school foes, including a super-swishy mostly-gay clique and a pair of incontinent cheerleaders!" Doesn't exactly seem like "family" fare although, given that this is the same network that's proudly promoting Cruel Intentions as part of its movie lineup, maybe I'm suffering from a Wallace Shawn-like case of a word not meaning what I think it means. Anyway. Wait, what do you mean, I have to recap the whole thing? I just summed it up for you, right there! I mean, incontinent cheerleaders! Kim Possible! What more do you people want?
Okay, here we go. We're immediately assaulted by a Campus Confidential tabloid headline that tells us that a Bay Area paper has closed, and a mom and daughter are relocating. There's also a sad picture of Christy Carlson Romano, the aforementioned lead of Kim Possible, with a caption that reads, "My Life Is Ruined." Having only really just started to grasp the immense sadness of the fact that I, at age thirty-five, am recapping Kim Possible, I'm on the same page here. We scoot over to another part of the cover, on which Peg Bundy from Married With Children is pictured, next to the headline "New Challenge." If they're referring to the challenge of making this movie watchable, I think they should have made it a banner headline. We follow a still shot of a VW bus into a live shot of it trundling down the street into a community called "Westland Hills." Some upbeat teenaged-sounding girl who needs to shut up sings at me as Peg and Kim hug each other in front of their new house. They enter. They carry luggage inside. Peg tosses her black cat outside, which can't be a good omen for any of us. Inside, Kim clunkily exposits that her mother lost her reporting job when some Berkeley paper shut down, causing wacky hijinx involving a mix of espresso and wheatgrass to ensue. I don't know what the big deal is -- if it would get me out of recapping the next two hours, I'd mainline the stuff, with some lawn fertilizer thrown in for good measure. Kim, whose name here is Violet, makes some disparaging comments about the quality of the local paper before the two of them leave...