Extra! Extra! This Movie Sucks!
...and pull up to school on the wings of that wretched song that won't stop playing. Peg gives Kim some "comfort food," which she tells us is alfalfa sprouts and wheat nuts. If that's her definition of comfort food, I'm surprised she can hold down any job that requires reasonable command of the English language. We get the vibe from Kim that she's cynical but spunky. The answering vibe from me is that I'm nauseated and nauseated. Some fat jock assface in a yellow Humvee yells at them to get out of the way. It is not Logan Echolls, although I've no doubt that if it were, the ratings for this mess would have been a lot better. Peg leaves, and the jock assfaces in the Humvee make stupid jock whooping noises. Kim watches, cynically yet spunkily amused. I put an empty wastebasket next to my couch, since clearly, I will need it.
Inside, Kim looks around, and then we get a Campus Confidential headline reading "High School Hall of Horrors! New Girl's Head Explodes!" Nobody likes a tease, Campus Confidential. A bunch of kids mill around the hallway, so obviously having been told to "act depressed and disenfranchised" that you'd think they were casting simultaneously for school productions of both Oliver! and Annie. More stupid music plays as Kim looks for a class, and then some bitch bumps into her on purpose, causing the music to cut off abruptly. Well, she can't be all bad. The bitch and her bitch friend berate Kim for walking on the wrong side of the hall, since their side is reserved for those who "cruise in the fast lane," and they then dismiss Kim by calling her a plebe. I assume the plebeian status has little to do with acting ability, because if it did, the custodian's mopping jobs would be about 50\% easier. Kim is outraged that she got called a plebe. Why don't you bust out your superpowers, not that I know what they are, because I'm a little old for that, and this is coming from someone who watched the Powerpuff Girls.
A teacher holds up a copy of Animal Farm as he announces that next month begins their "oral report season." Now I'm confused, as everyone in the class seems meant to look seventeen or so, and yet the material they're covering is strictly seventh-grade. But perhaps it's appropriate after all, since the ham-fisted attempt to draw some sort of parallel between that Orwellian society and this school seems like something a twelve-year-old might write. We get our first glimpse of Teddy Dunn, who's the reason we're all here. As if he didn't take enough abuse on the boards already. There's also a somewhat Mena Suvari-looking girl whose eye-rolls and general attitude are to let us know that she's a bitch. I'm glad they cleared that up -- I would have hated to think she was nice and sweet and then have had my world shattered when I saw her walking down the right side of the hallway. The teacher gives out some dates to different kids for their reports. Teddy's name is "Brandon Dunn." Is it nice of them to give him only one name to remember, or cruel and confusing that they didn't just make his character's name "Teddy Dunn"? You decide. Bitchy Mena Suvari horribly delivers a lewd line about Teddy's "oral abilities." Her credibility is in question, however, given Teddy's lack of a comeback. Bitchy Mena Suvari then badly lies her way out of giving the report, but when Kim tries to do the same, the teacher shoots her down.