MONDO EXTRAS

Cut to the cafeteria lady scooping mashed potatoes onto a plate. We then see a kid using an ice-cream scoop, and then we cut to a girl wearing a scoop-necked blouse, and OH MY GOD WE GET IT WITH THE "IRONIC" CUTS SO STOP BEFORE I STORM YOUR OFFICES ABC FAMILY CHANNEL. Keri and Kim talk about how hard it's going to be to get good stories. They see the lead queen, "Brett," giving some slightly dumpy girl, "Esmeralda," shit about her acid-washed jeans and her weight. Considering that Brett is Vincent from 7th Heaven, he shouldn't be giving anyone any shit about anything in this life or the next. Esmeralda runs off, and Keri exposits that the swishy kids are their school's answer to the Fab Five. Given how puerile their level of humor is, I'd say Queer As Folk is a more apt comparison. Version U.S., of course. Kim says that she's known plenty of gay guys, and that they aren't like Brett. Yes, perhaps they have a non-cartoonish bone in their bodies. Keri says that gay is in, and Brett milks it for all it's worth, like, that's really a responsible message to send when the suicide rate among gay teens is so much higher than among straights. Esmeralda gets up to go, and Brett swishily tells her not to forget to clean his locker. Keri and Kim then make us wonder if they're mentally challenged, so long does it take them to come up with the idea of targeting Brett.

Cut to Brett applying makeup at his locker. Keri pulls the fire alarm, and Brett queens off like they just let him into the Barney's warehouse sale. He does, however, swish back and lock his locker, thwarting Kim there.

Later, Kim catches up with Esmeralda. Cut to Esmeralda opening Brett's locker. Kim finds a PDA or something that she thinks might have some good dirt. Esmeralda cautions her that she only has twenty minutes, since that's when tennis practice ends, so Keri goes to keep a lookout.

Cut to the courts, where Brett and his minions are watching Teddy practice. They sigh appreciatively when Teddy bends over to pick up a ball, and we get a close-up of his ass. I'll agree that that's the best thing to happen in this movie so far.

Mokthar tries to hook Brett's PDA into his computer, but it's password-protected. They unsuccessfully try to figure out what his password is.

Teddy practices. Having competed in tennis in the juniors and in college, I am well-qualified to say that he's terrible. Brett swishes that Teddy's looking so "Roddick" today, and I don't really see that, but I suppose they had to work "dick" into this scene in one way or another. At least they spared us any comments about "balls," which is more than I was expecting. Brett says he has to get his camera and record the moment, like, nice try, Brett, but your camel-toe-producing pants are letting me know that you're posing here. Either that, or you've got other problems that I won't go into.