Veronica Mars
Campus Confidential

Episode Report Card
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Extra! Extra! This Movie Sucks!
Keri and Kim haltingly walk through the cafeteria until Keri screws up her courage and starts offering copies of the Tattler. There's a long pause, during which Teddy makes a series of ACTING facial expressions designed to express CONFUSION, and then a lot of kids start clapping and cheering and clamoring for copies. Keri spazzes out until Bitchony and Bitchory come over and give them a bunch of shit. Bitchony says that she's late for a facial, and Kim slaps a slice of olive loaf on her. Well, at least this is more age-appropriate material. The principal is being excoriated over the phone by BMS's father. Later, the principal yells at Keri and Kim. He threatens them with expulsion, but then his secretary cuts in over the intercom to tell him the MHAIF (Mom He Actually Is Fucking) is ready for their "appointment." Kim cottons on, not that it isn't a particularly short logical leap, what with the principal swallowing enough Binaca to kill the smell of even the most pungent olive loaf. In the closet, Kim tells Keri that there's a story with the principal and the chippie. She spies a janitor's uniform and a mop, and she's going to need them to clean up the wacky hijinx that are sure to be forthcoming. Cut to the principal's office, where he rudely pushes past the "disguised" Kim, who tries to put on a man's voice and yet DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO PUT HER LONG HAIR UP, and to borrow a phrase from Demian, this movie blows, and I want to die. Kim finds a mash note from the MHAIF and takes a picture of it. Given the hearts and flowers all over the note, I wouldn't be surprised to learn of some statutory rape here, except that might be a little too much even for the Family Channel. (Stepbrother trying to get into his stepsister's pants, though? Totally okay, at least on Friday night.) The English teacher is going on about Animal Farm, like, is this class challenged that they spend so much time on one book? Kim notices that Teddy won't make eye contact with her. Kim gets called on for her thoughts on the book, as if the thirty oral reports they're doing ON THE SAME BOOK aren't enough, but she gets summoned to the principal's office before she can answer. She exchanges a conspiratorial smile with Keri and leaves. Principal's office. He's holding a copy of the Tattler with a headline of "No Principles Principal." He threatens her with expulsion, but she in turn says that she'll mass-produce that edition. He asks her what she wants, and she demands the newspaper's office back...

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Veronica Mars




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