Veronica Mars
Campus Confidential

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Extra! Extra! This Movie Sucks!
Kim does some research on the made-up drug. Keri tells her that half the girls in school take diuretics to lose weight, and that she should dig harder. Cut to Bitchony and Bitchory exaggeratedly flouncing into the girls' bathroom, and Kim stupidly eavesdropping and overhearing something about the garbage. Then the janitor comes in and gets the garbage, and Kim follows him. I'd comment on how unearned everything in this movie is, but if they made me wait for plotlines as stupid as this to unfold, I'd be even more annoyed. Kim takes pictures of the janitor emptying the garbage into a dumpster, but when he leaves, she rushes over to it, and what was the point of taking all those pictures that incriminate no one and prove nothing? Also, I should mention that, much earlier, Kim said she drew the metaphorical line at going through people's garbage, and I don't know which is the more horrifying: that the movie considers this character development, or that I still remember events that unfolded on my screen more than an hour ago. Anyway, Kim overdramatically roots around in the dumpster until she gets a satisfied, spunky look on her face. Shut up, Kim. Kim tells Keri that Bitchony and Bitchory have taken so many diuretics that they're actually incontinent, and they wear adult diapers. I'm sorry if I leaked that too early. Also, I really doubt that (a) they would be able to hide the diapers under the skimpy outfits they favor, and(b) that they wouldn't just stop taking the diuretics and resort to bulimia like normal children. Anyway, Keri is happy at the scoop... ...and we cut to the entire cafeteria laughing at Bitchony and Bitchory. They run out. Kim wears a stupid hat, and she and Keri sit at a table full of KFC, and how much must that company have paid to make it look like its cheap, processed "chicken" marks the top of the high school social ladder? (I resisted a "pecking order" joke there. No need to thank me.) Keri stands up and announces a party at her house on Friday, and I hope her parents are okay with a bunch of kids showing up at their house on Thursday night. Everyone cheers. She must be planning to serve KFC. Stupid tabloid headline... ...and then we're at the party, where Kim is chagrined to learn that Mokthar has been refused entrance, because the party's supposed to be for the entire school. Keri's finally ditched the argyle in favor of a pillbox hat and jacket, and do the leads of this movie even know that we're in the twenty-first century now? Keri is blathering to some non-speaking extras about an idea for a junior-high version of the Tattler, and then horribly overacts as she asks a minion to get her another egg cream, but Kim pulls her away, and they have a stupid, obvious discussion about how "A-list" the party is, and then Kim bails and runs into Teddy, who apologizes for what he said and says he enjoyed what she did to BMS. He offers to make it up to her, and she bargains for some free tennis lessons. God, Kim, use your imagination here. I think your mom's going to make a man out him soon if you don't get it in gear. Teddy offers a dance lesson, and they share a horribly awkward and stiff slow dance, although it's more due to her than him, I'm surprised to say. Teddy kind of adorably twirls and dips her, but then Keri shows up and pulls her away into Keri's dad's office. She berates Kim for hooking up with Teddy since he's a potential story, as if Kim would have the slightest idea what to do with him even if he showed up with a box of condoms and a copy of the Kama Sutra. Anyway, Keri slips up and tells Kim that she outed them on purpose, not because Esmeralda told Brett, like anyone cares. Keri stomps off, and Kim sees Mokthar at the window, again, like anyone cares.

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Veronica Mars

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