Veronica Mars
Campus Confidential

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In Keri's kitchen, she makes Kim chocolate milk as she exposits that her dad is the most successful plastic surgeon in town, like, as if Keri wouldn't be the most popular girl in school on that basis alone. Also, Keri likes egg creams, and given the way minority groups have been depicted so far, if they're trying to paint her as Jewish, they're being way too subtle about it. Kim picks up a tabloid belonging to Keri's mom, and they wax nostalgic about what a great weapon tabloids are against celebrities who walk around thinking they own the world. At this point, everyone over the age of one day knows where this is going, so I don't know why Kim and Keri have to have a five-minute discussion about the parallels between celebrities and their schoolmates before Kim proposes that they start their own tabloid to smear the A-list kids. Kim makes a long-winded and annoyingly spunky motivational speech, which Keri makes look good in comparison with a horribly overused Jerry Maguire reference. Although it is kind of appropriate in that Keri looks and sounds a lot like Renée Zellweger. Which, continuing the thought, means I want to slap both of them. At school, Keri dumps out a bunch of surveillance equipment on the lawn, including night-vision goggles, and I can buy that she's rich, given the plastic surgeon father, but are we really to believe she couldn't have bought a friend or two? Kim comes up with a name for their tabloid, the Tattler, and then Keri says they only need one thing: scoops. Cut to the cafeteria lady scooping mashed potatoes onto a plate. We then see a kid using an ice-cream scoop, and then we cut to a girl wearing a scoop-necked blouse, and OH MY GOD WE GET IT WITH THE "IRONIC" CUTS SO STOP BEFORE I STORM YOUR OFFICES ABC FAMILY CHANNEL. Keri and Kim talk about how hard it's going to be to get good stories. They see the lead queen, "Brett," giving some slightly dumpy girl, "Esmeralda," shit about her acid-washed jeans and her weight. Considering that Brett is Vincent from 7th Heaven, he shouldn't be giving anyone any shit about anything in this life or the next. Esmeralda runs off, and Keri exposits that the swishy kids are their school's answer to the Fab Five. Given how puerile their level of humor is, I'd say Queer As Folk is a more apt comparison. Version U.S., of course. Kim says that she's known plenty of gay guys, and that they aren't like Brett. Yes, perhaps they have a non-cartoonish bone in their bodies. Keri says that gay is in, and Brett milks it for all it's worth, like, that's really a responsible message to send when the suicide rate among gay teens is so much higher than among straights. Esmeralda gets up to go, and Brett swishily tells her not to forget to clean his locker. Keri and Kim then make us wonder if they're mentally challenged, so long does it take them to come up with the idea of targeting Brett.

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Veronica Mars

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