Before I begin, Couch Baron would like me to mention that due to the Nets game monopolizing UPN's Tuesday nights in perpetuity, as well as UPN starting the replay too early, he missed the opening scene last week when Veronica got diagnosed with chlamydia. I saw it, so I can fill in: Veronica was in the doctor's office. She got diagnosed with chlamydia. There. ["And here I thought recapping was hard." -- Couch Baron]
Previously: almost two full seasons of a show about a cute, awesome blonde girl who solves mysteries and cries and stuff. There were approximately fifty-seven plot strands in one stage of development or another, and Couch Baron had developed an almost symbiotic relationship with exactly what the hell is going on here. And the new guy is expected to just jump right in with the penultimate episode of the season??? What have I gotten myself into? Uh, also previously: Keith was able handcuff himself to janitor/stalker Lucky long enough to be told that the Woodman isn't as super-cool as we all think he is. We...do? Thumper got a chloroform rag to the face, courtesy of Weevil, and in plain view of a couple of nosy little brats. Terrence Cook had an alibi for the day of the bus crash, but casino boss Lobo wasn't cooperating. And the Lilly Kane murder weapon was revealed to be Haaron's (snerk) Oscar statue.
You know, I thought picking up a Veronica Mars recap this week would be a nice change of pace from the music-related (okay, "music-adjacent") show I normally cover. So why am I suddenly greeted by a symphony of violins as this episode begins? Oh, it's because Haaron Echolls is on the witness stand at his own murder trial, telling the jury the sob story of how action-hero movie stars from the '80s get old and have to play Hillary Duff's dad in the new millennium. The difference is, most faded heartthrobs these days wind up losing their damn minds among the Maya or drunk at awards shows. They don't take up with their sons' sixteen-year-old girlfriends. The cool thing is that Haaron says that in 1987 he was People's Sexiest Man Alive, and the instant he does, I realize Harry Hamlin must have received that honor in real life, because that's just how this show rolls. I guarantee you there is a P.A. on staff who does nothing but watch old L.A. Law reruns in preparation for throwaway sight gags whenever Haaron's on screen. And, yes, by "throwaway sights gags," I do mean "Susan Dey." So Haaron's mid-life crisis was alleviated (or, you know, fed) by Lilly, who thought he "hung the moon." His attorney -- Slimy Lavoie, Esq. -- is disingenuous with his reminder that Lilly was only sixteen, and Haaron admits it was wrong, but in that "Hey, what do you want me to do? Nubile young high school girl, am I right? You all saw that one movie" way. He says he and Lilly "fooled around," but he denies having sex with her. This gets a whopper of an eye-roll from Veronica, who's in the courtroom with her dad. Logan's there, too, but he's isolated and alone. Misunderstood, even by the seating arrangement. Haaron's version of the day Lilly was killed has her going over to his house, "looking for attention," and this imaginary version of Haaron breaking things off with her. Perjury-Lilly then apparently stormed out with Haaron's Oscar. Haaron followed her to the Kane house, they argued, and she threw an ashtray at him. Perjury-Duncan showed up, flipped out on Lilly, and Haaron left them, though, he admits that was probably a bad idea. "As crazy as he was acting, I never would have imagined...." Haaron gets far enough into fingering Duncan for the murder before the prosecutor objects. Logan and Veronica separately can't quite believe he's this much of a bastard. I can't believe Haaron's this good an actor.
Outside, Veronica and Keith make it as far as the courthouse steps before her rage bubbles over: "So, apparently, if you're handsome and famous enough, you can just lie under oath, and that's cool." There are gawkers lined up all around the courthouse, some with a giant "We Love You, Aaron!" banner. Keith explains how the Oscar statue with Duncan's hair on it is going to raise some doubt, "reasonable or otherwise." Keith tries to comfort Veronica by saying that once she and Logan testify that they saw Lilly and Haaron having sex on tape, the jury will vote to convict. Keith also reminds Veronica to stay calm when she testifies, because Slimy will do everything he can to rile her up. Veronica drops the rage in favor of some swagger, telling her dad that she's unrileable [sic]: "Easygoing Veronica Mars. That's what the kids at school call me." No, Veronica, that's what the kids who died in the bus crash have been calling you. All season. ["I’m intrigued by what you’re saying, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter." -- Couch Baron] Keith asks whether she wants to go over her testimony with the lawyers again, but what Veronica wants is to be sitting in the courtroom when the jury reads their "guilty" verdict. She wants to see Haaron's face when he realizes all that he's got to look forward to for the rest of his life is his daily hope that things go a little more Prison Break and a little less Oz for him. In case you were wondering, Veronica's blood pressure in this scene has risen to about 140-over-super-fucking-pissed. "Easygoing Veronica Mars, huh?" says Keith, as he wraps her up in a fantastic dad embrace. "You know how fat guys are sometimes called 'Tiny'?" Hee.