Veronica Mars
Like A Virgin

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: B- | 6 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Feels So Bad Inside

Veronica gets a call for "Ellen White," which is the pseudonym she used in her letter to Koontz. Only the guy pronounced it "Ellen White" instead of the proper "Ayyylenn Wiiiight." Hee, that accent is fun. Say "moonshine" next, Veronica! The guy tells her that Koontz will see her Friday between 2 and 4, and starts to go into the prison guidelines. It'd be funny if she ran into other television characters while she was there. "Tonight, on a very special Veronica Mars: Veronica meets Joey Potter's dad. And pops a cap in his ass for fathering that irritating shrike who can't even STAND UP STRAIGHT." Tell me that wouldn't pull them in for sweeps.

Maybe Aidan Quinn isn't the only one on drugs here. Anyway.

09er table, Y chromosome required. Duncan ribs BBB for being the Justin to Saint Blonde's Britney. Whatever, sister-kisser. BBB goes into a bad Bill Clinton impression, and then laughs it up about what a slut Saint Blonde is, even though he freaked out earlier about how he'd made a fool out of her. I'd like to get back to the people in the opening credits at some point, because I really don't understand any of these interlopers. Anyway, this is all so that Lizzie Borden can come over and get in BBB's face for talking shit about her sister. BBB points out that she doesn't even like Saint Blonde. Lizzie: "Maybe not. But I love her." How sweet. Maybe she won't even mince her. Veronica beckons Lizzie over and asks where Saint Blonde is, since they were supposed to meet after lunch. I used to meet people after much too. In class. (Well, in high school, anyway.) Lizzie informs Veronica that Saint Blonde didn't make it to school, and that her parents are currently in the process of revising their "Most Favored Child" list. Veronica looks worried.

Cut to Saint Blonde's bedroom. It doesn't really look like the den of iniquity the Neptune kids seem to think it should be, but maybe they feel Saint Blonde is really pure in her sluttiness, and therefore has a strict rule about copulating only in cars. Saint Blonde says that at first, her dad wanted to kill whoever posted the test results, but then he searched her room, and found these sexy letters she got from some guy she met on vacation in Spain. Well, if the teenage guys in Neptune regularly face competition from continental European men, I can see why they might be bitter. I don't think Henri is the great shakes the girls are making him out to be, but compared to Ugly Owen Wilson, he's hotter than the sun. Toss in the experience factor, and you wonder why any girl would pick being a clumsy high-school boy's training ground. Anyway, Saint Blonde says she was too upset to go to school, and adds that she doesn't know how Veronica does it. For ten bucks, I know where you can find out. Thank you! Veronica asks what she means. Saint Blonde: "The way people talk about you! Does it bother you, the things they say?" Veronica says no, and that you have to get tough and get even: "And you are going to school tomorrow, and you're not taking crap from anyone." Veronica would make a great motivational speaker. She probably wouldn't even need the stun gun, but then again, it never hurts to be prepared.

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Veronica Mars

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