Veronica Mars
Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B | 4 USERS: A+
The 09 Is Even Worse Than You Thought

MS. Hauser brings little Albert to Veronica's house, where Backup lies lazily around at the doorbell. Veronica: "No bark? Is it your day off?" I hope Backup isn't being slowly poisoned. That's what this show does to me: dog takes one minute off his busy schedule of kicking ass, I assume he's got nefarious lead poisoning. MS. Hauser gets all in Veronica's face about what Albert can and cannot eat, watch, be excited by, et cetera, and the answers to all of these are basically "Anything." MS. Hauser leaves and Albert stares mutely for a second before he starts demanding ice cream more and more loudly, finally abandoning words altogether and just screaming horribly. Veronica looks freaked out, even though I expected her to start off with, like, "Yeah, so...your mom's kind of a bitch, huh? Let's get you some ice cream."

Later, Duncan enters with ice cream, yakking about some Duncan crap, and Veronica shushes him. The kid is vacantly spaced out in front of the TV. She pulls some homework from his satchel. I hope he doesn't get in trouble! Actually, Veronica is kind of screwing all of them over: "My babysitter stole my homework" is not likely to get you a pass even in a Neptune school. MS. Hauser returns, and the kid's passed out from sugar shock, or what Veronica calls boredom. Which is a nice little dig at MS. Hauser's whole Supermom thing. I don't really mind Parenting Programs like that, because kids are going to do whatever they want when you're not looking; the problem is consistency, and I don't see MS. Hauser sticking with this, so it comes off as kind of abusive. (Yeah, it's a relative concept. I'll be learning that later in this episode.) MS. Hauser giggles all girlfriendy with Veronica about how boredom wasn't exactly her problem tonight, since she was at the Big Sex Cop Auction: "With a name like 'Sacks'! Ooooh!" I know there are people who think he's hot, but gross me out. ["Thank you." -- Wing Chun] MS. Hauser's all of a sudden come all over with the girl power of International Coffee moments about Jean-Luc, and it's creepy. Veronica is feeling that. Then MS. Hauser is kind of awesome as she hoists Albert over her shoulder one-handed and carries him off like a sack of high-sugar snacks. Hell, I hope Sacks does her right. She clearly needs some stress relief.

Veronica has made an appointment with the 911 guy, Dr. Griffith. He doesn't quite say "Tell me what you don't like about yourself," which would have killed both me and Demian, and instead gets all honorable when she asks for his evaluation, saying that's not how he works. She says she definitely wants implants, but just a generous C cup. "Not like clown boobs," she says, and that's way funnier than it needs to be. She calls attention to her nose bump -- and I've spent a lot of time looking at this girl's face, and I don't know what she means -- and thinks maybe some lip work is in order as well. Dr. Griffith says, "Veronica, I don't want to waste your time. There's absolutely nothing you need to change. You're a gorgeous young woman." So true, so nice to hear, so...utterly unlikely. He's suddenly called out for a surgery or something, and he gives her some brochures for gorgeous young ladies who don't need surgery, with a phrase on the front I hope was googled all to hell Wednesday night: "Body Dysmorphia." Learn it. ["Dude, you didn't see the Oprah about that? Yow." -- Wing Chun]

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Veronica Mars




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