Veronica Mars
Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B | 4 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
The 09 Is Even Worse Than You Thought

Just then, Keith comes in with an invite to the Sheriff's Department Fundraiser-slash-Bachelor Auction, which features Lamb being very, very smarmy on the front. Keith makes a bad joke about them selling Lamb by the pound, but I don't know, it's Veronica Mars, so this is probably a Two Gentlemen Of Verona joke. He grins at Duncan: "She got you working now, too?" Duncan smiles cutely. I miss Wallace.

Kendall is snippy with Beaver, and wearing a hideous sweater with shiny crap all over it. It looks like she made it herself, while doing drugs with Donatella Versace and Björk. Dick tries to sneak a peak up her skirt, of course, as the Casablancas lawyer explains that Big Dick's disappearance means all assets are frozen, pending his Boatloads of Trial. "The verdict's in," Cordelias Kendall: "Dick's off drinking mai tais" and "getting fanned...with $100 bills!" The boys have a trust fund, but can't touch it until their twenty-first birthdays (Dick "woo!"s), but Kendall doesn't have any separate accounts or property in her name. "I'm their mother. Can't I have some of their money?" The lawyer explains that the only remaining trustee is Beaver's biological mother, so Kendall's screwed. "So what I supposed to do?" she snits. The lawyer shrugs: "What you did before." Thongs and jumping around? Can do. Have been doing, matter of fact.

Veronica calls the Fullers, saying she wants to cover for Meg while she's busy being in a coma. In Mrs. Hauser's Sex Ed class -- and a moment of silence for my favorite, and the most obscure, reference in the entire episode -- Jane Kuhn, last seen cock-blocking Jackie and sideswiping her car, sneezes in the middle of a speech on STDs. The teacher thinks she's laughing, and awesomely snits, "See how much you're 'sneezing' when you have gonorrhea!" Everybody laughs, Mrs. Hauser implies JANE's a whore, and she sneezes again, getting thrown out of the class. She informs them that she's given each student an STD (Dirty!), and they have to practice telling each other about it. Gia's her usual hyperactive and unnerving self, pairing up with Veronica, who quips, "I'll be your partner, but, no glove, no love." Dick Casablancas smarms up, and you get really scared his line will play off that one, but he's more interested in gossiping about Mrs. Hauser, whose husband, it is said, left her for a man. That must suck. (Did you see Terry McMillan on Oprah last week? Apparently it sucks so bad it drives you insane. Maybe Lilly's better off dead. ["And can I also say that for Terry not to know that dude was gay, she'd have to be blind and deaf. Good lord." -- Wing Chun]) Dick gritches that this means "we get bitchy and bitter for a year."

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Veronica Mars

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