Veronica emails Wallace some nonsense, and then says that she's discovered she's not the only love of Duncan's life. Maybe Logan can...nah, too easy. She signs off with a "this is a little too Doogie Howser for me," due to the voice-over that apparently even she can hear, and then runs off immediately for a very well-planned and -executed entrapment of MS. Hauser. Who finds a re-Photoshopped auction invite with a shirtless dude and Lamb's face. (Does this count as a Clueless reference?) Because she's pathetic and has money to spend on charity, MS. Hauser gets this horny look on her face and goes RUNNING out the door with it, pocketbook in hand, smack into Veronica, who's holding "Babysitter for Hire" signs prominently before her. Hauser takes a flyer. It is good. Not jokin', I have this tradition where, once each episode, I say aloud at some point, "Veronica, your bad-assery is a weekly inspiration to us all." This is that moment.
The Casablancas doorbell is ringing, over and over, and Kendall's "I'm coming, Jeez" monologue as she runs half-naked down the stairs to answer is hilarious: "God, I hate you!" At the door is the very short-haired, very intense Mamablancas, who looks like Jane Lynch in Best In Show and is wearing the suit of that late-nite infomercial guy who wants to get money for you from the government, sans question marks. Kendall is kind of bummed to see her, due to the fact that Kendall's basically Kato at this point. Sad that even "hooker to Kato" is a step down, no?
Mamablancas brings in a plate of sandwiches: "When was the last time you had a lunch like this?" Dick: "When I was a Brady?" Beaver jumps right up in there about how great it is, and they're glad she's here, and blah blah needy Cassidycakes. I might have pointed out that Mamablancas's ass has been in "Europe" for awhile now, considering their dad's totally a fugitive from Enron Justice, but whatever. Dick's kind of cool here, for a rapist: "You know we want you to sign something, right?" Mamablancas does this whole speech about how Big Dick is all about flashy conspicuous glory moments and shit for follow-through: "It's million-dollar trust funds, and meanwhile you can't buy bread." While this indicates that she's sympathetic to her children's misfortune, she'll still "have to think about" releasing the trust funds. It's a lot of money, and they -- meaning Dick -- will probably blow the whole wad in five seconds and then they'll have nothing left for college or emergencies. Like having as your only parental figure an ex-Laker Girl prostitute? And no food? Emergencies like that? Beaver's as depressingly sweet/needy as ever: "Maybe we could come live with you!" Dick slaps him, but only because he doesn't want to do that, and not because somebody ought to. Mamablancas laughs: "You know we spend most of the year in Europe." Beaver is still with the puppy crap: "So? I like Europe!" Aw, Beaver, you can come live with me. I will never force you to rape anybody or live up to your brother's horrible example. You're adorable! Mamablancas ruffles his hair, like, "Just because your brother's awful doesn't mean I prefer him any less than your father does. Stop kissing ass."