Veronica Mars
Poughkeepsie, Tramps & Thieves

Episode Report Card
Keckler: B- | 5 USERS: B
Pretty Sad Woman

Going to the source, Veronica meets up with Fred and Brian, and for some reason feels the need to tell them that, even after they spent $500, Max is still a virgin. After scoffing and sighing and generally acting like the immature college guys they are, Frian finally agrees to help Veronica find "Chelsea." Bred shows Veronica "The Erotic Critique," a "hooker search engine." Sort of takes Googling yourself to an entirely new level. I would be remiss not to point out that the "o" in "Erotic" is composed of both the Mars and Venus symbols. In other words, Prince when he was going through his sign language phase. Veronica finds one "Chelsea," who turns out to be a drag queen type, so that's probably not a match. Bred -- or is it Frian? -- quickly swears, "That isn't her; they change their working names all the time." Veronica's enthusiasm for searching though 18,731 escorts flags, but Bred suggests that she do the search "by preference." Lord, this is going to be fun. "You know," Bred explains, "hair color, height, bondage preference." Frian sniggers. Veronica boggles over their knowing Max's "preference." "That's easy -- we just describe Milla Jovovich with a B-cup," Frian says. "And somewhat into role-playing," Bred adds. Veronica notes that it's all very "Weird Science," and starts fiddling with the drop-downs, exclaiming, "It's like a Zagat guide for hookers!" Yes:

"Hooray for horniness" cheer sexually satisfied customers who have "gotten their rocks off" with this "sultry blond" and her "multi-talented tongue." "Her menu is extensive," and the optional lap dance is "great for kids over the age of eighteen" and "large groups," so even if her blowjob "isn't quite up to snuff," an evening with this talented "newcomer on the happy hooker scene" will quickly be "hard to come by."
Veronica puzzles over a drop-down that gives "PSE" and "GFE" as choices. The boys explain that they stand for things like "girlfriend experience" or "porn star experience," indicating the "type of experience" the buyer wants to have. Veronica wonders if there's a "reality experience" where the hooker reminds the guy that she's only there because he's paying her. This gets looks of confusion from the boys as Veronica sends her search. Two possibilities pop up, and the boys get into a discussion as to whether "Chelsea" had a longer torso. Veronica gives the two of them a jaundiced eye.

House of Mars. Keith makes notes on the Dean O'Dell case as Veronica breezes in and demands that he entertain her. Keith busts out a Michigan J. Frog-like song about finally getting the police report on Dean Ed's suicide. Veronica tells him about the Lilith House egging spree, and explains that Nish was all bent out of shape and swore Dean Ed would regret it when he fired her from the paper. Having "dipped into that well one too many times," Veronica explains that she can't talk to Lilith House about the egging herself, but teasingly recommends that Keith not wear a Daniel Boone jacket or peace sign if he goes undercover as a student. When Keith asks if Veronica will be home for dinner, Veronica joyfully announces that she's meeting two hookers at Logan's place. Keith stares at her a second before breezing, "On a school night?" Heh. Veronica explains the time-saving device of off-peak hours, and Keith realizes that she's serious. "They're just a couple of gals putting themselves through college," Veronica singsongs. Keith continues to stare at her, so Veronica leaves the room snarking that he's bringing her down with his "bourgeois hang-ups." Keith forces out an uncomfortable noise, which is halfway between a throat-clear and a muttering laugh. She's daddy's little girl.

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Veronica Mars




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