Veronica Mars
Ruskie Business

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: A | 4 USERS: A+
Helping People Is Overrated

...and we're in a flashback, Blonde-style. She's on a school bus with a bunch of other cheerleaders in uniform, as SBVO tells us they were coming back from an away game, and she got this text message that said, "I think UR kewl." She clearly missed her opportunity to reply, "Banned." SBVO adds that she looked around, although why she's sure it was someone on the bus that sent her the message is unclear, and two guys on the bus were on cell phones. One of them, "Caz," is played by Zachary Ty Bryan of Home Improvement. And you thought my '80s references were scary. SBVO says that Caz often flirts with her, but "that guy would flirt with a trash can if it had boobs." Hee. Saint Blonde turns to look toward the rear of the bus, as we see a blond guy on his phone. SBVO says that "Martin" is "sweet, but a little moony, if you know what I mean?" Yes, I do, SBVO. It means that he's going to end up becoming a poet. It also means that he is very unlikely to write an ode to, as you call them, "boobs." Back in the present, Veronica speculates that it could be a creepy freshman stalker. Well, Saint Blonde isn't the one getting weird calls all the time. That's a more advanced chapter in the Stalker Handbook. Which was a joint effort, by the way, from the entire Camden family. (Note to Sara M: I'm very sorry to hear about the tenth season. Please don't kill yourself, even if it seems like hell is a place on earth.) Saint Blonde tells Veronica that the admirer could be her "soulmate." Veronica's face falls. She has obviously watched Dawson's Creek, and we all feel appropriately sorry for her.

Veronica enters Mars Investigations. VMVO tells us that the office is a nice way to take her mind off "soulmates, glitter, and puppy love." Veronica, you can't escape it. The sun always shines on TV. Walking by Keith's office, we see a woman's legs attached to, presumably, a woman sitting in one of Keith's chairs. I wonder if that's supposed to evoke the image of Lynn Echolls we saw a few episodes back. Probably not, but I wouldn't put it past this team. Keith comes out and quietly tells Veronica that he's swamped with some insurance-fraud case, but they could use the fee, so could Veronica take her information and charge her "a straight 75"? Veronica agrees, and as she goes into the office, VMVO goes on in the same bitter vein about relationships, which frankly seems a little misplaced, considering we're five minutes in and she's had rather positive interactions with three people who weren't named Wallace, and weren't blood-related. Well, possibly four. Veronica sits down to talk to the woman, "Catarina," who's got a thick Russian accent, is pretty but has a rather large face, and looks to be in her late thirties. She tells Veronica that she made a mistake involving love. Basically, she had a guy, she didn't know what a good thing she had, and she left him. She thought she still hadn't found what she was looking for, but then she realized that the search was over -- love was with her all the while. Catarina: "You must help me find him. He was my soulmate." Veronica stares. Whether it's in shock over the coincidence of two people using that word in the same day or in resentment for this show having even the slightest connection to Dawson Leery and Joey Potter is a question for you to ponder while the opening credits roll.

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Veronica Mars




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