Veronica Mars
Welcome Wagon

Episode Report Card
admin: B | 5 USERS: A-
The Gang's All Here!
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Welcome back, everyone! I hope you enjoyed the summer. Mine had a few more Muppets in it than I originally anticipated, which will make going back to recapping real fictional people an adjustment. But let's get to it.

We pan down from an opening shot of a cloudy sky to see Veronica walking through a courtyard at Hearst College, her eventual alma mater. Hey, nothing wrong with a little optimism, right? She walks under a banner advertising a Take Back The Night rally as VMVO intones, "Here it is. First day of college. What do you say, Veronica? New school, fresh start -- how about you try not to piss anyone off this time around?" As Yoda would say, "Do or do not. There is no try." Particularly not in Veronica's case, if the next scene is any indication.

Cut to a title card on a TV screen that reads "Intro To Criminology." The professor tells them that it's okay to skip class in college -- just not his. Some chick next to Veronica is all, "'Skip class.' I'm gonna staple myself to the floor," and Veronica gives an answering feline growl to indicate that she, too, is hot for the professor's chili. Now, I should mention that the professor is played by Patrick Fabian, who Joan Of Arcadia viewers will remember as the loathsome Principal Gavin Price. I'm not saying he's not attractive, but it's hard for me to think of him in that way, since I associate him with such prickitude that I think perhaps the biggest in the laundry list of tragedies caused by Joan's premature cancellation is that we never got to see Helen finally knee Price in the groin. But anyway, he seems decent enough here, as he tells the class that the Criminology Department has a mentoring program involving "at-risk" kids in Neptune: "Our philosophy is that it's better to prevent crimes through intervention than be forced to solve them later." And I guess that would reduce our prison population too -- too bad that's not how we do things in this day and age. Go back to the '60s, pinko! Dr. Landry (that's Price's name) then introduces his teaching assistant, "Timothy Foil," and if his surname is supposed to indicate the nature of his relationship to our heroine, it's perhaps a little heavy-handed. If not, forget I said anything -- cool name! Timothy, by the way, is played by James Jordan, who was the also-unfortunately-named Lucky last season before going down in a hail of bullets and repressed sexual abuse. They're disguising this fact by giving the character asstastic longish hair and a rather toolish beard and glasses, an effort which achieves the goal but makes me shake my head at the heavy price. Dr. Landry clicks to the next slide and tells the class that it shows their reading list for the semester. The girl next to Veronica preeningly pipes up to ask about Dr. Landry's book, and she's annoying me already. I hope those staples hurt. Landry: "Profiling is an upper-level course. Gotta walk before we run." This guy's publisher hates him. Landry then suggests that they start the semester with a little "ridiculous fun" -- a murder mystery game called "Riverboat Queen." Tim hands out envelopes, which contain cover stories for the passengers, to some of the students. The rest of the students are supposed to be the detectives, who can ask the passengers questions to try to solve the case. Additional instructions such as "don't use the internet" and "you should really consider getting off your duffs" will no doubt be added to next year's teaching notes. Landry informs us that the current record for solving the case is sixteen minutes, and is held by none other than Tim himself. Landry instructs the class to get to work, but Veronica just gets on her laptop.

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Veronica Mars




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