Star Trek
Voyager: “Threshold”

Episode Report Card
admin: C- | 5 USERS: C
The One With The Salamander Sex
Time has passed since the Tongue Incident, and Kes reports that the rate of Parisite's mutation has increased. The Doctor starts to give some orders, but he's interrupted by Parisite bellowing, "Doctor!" The Doctor sighs in long-suffering exasperation and asks, "What now, Mr. Paris?" Parisite, sitting cross-legged on the floor, insists laboriously, "I need to talk." Robert Duncan McNeill is now delivering his lines with his tongue arching on the roof of his mouth. The Doctor walks over to the examination theater, where Parisite sits on the floor, holding his feet and rocking. "Let me out of heah," Parisite pleads. "Pweeeeeze, I can't stay heah." He slurs that he has to get off the ship. Kes asks why he wants to leave Voyager. Using the medi-bed, Parisite pulls himself to his feet and tells them that it's all so clear now and that he understands. "What do you understand?" the Doctor asks, still annoyed. "Zuh pwesent, zuh past -- thew bos in zuh footur. The footu is in zuh past." The Doctor is confused. "Lwissen to me!" Paris yells. No, you're disgusting, shut up. "I am more. I'm ewweysing. Let me gooooo." Kes asks where he wants to go. "I can't!" Parisite yells, and slides back onto the floor: "Pweeeeze! Pweeeeze!" Okay, we have ten minutes left and I haven't seen any salamander sex. Please tell me that if there's going to be salamander sex, at least have them both be salamanders, because otherwise I might have to jump into a diving pool of gin and start breathing deeply. In the briefing room, the Doctor confers with the senior staff, detailing how he has to force Parisite's DNA back to normal. He hasn't tried that yet? Do you mean we could have avoided the Tongue Ralphing Incident if he had tried that sooner?! The only way the Doctor can fix Parisite is to destroy all of the mutated DNA so that Parisite's system will be cudgeled into using the original DNA as a blueprint. He needs to bring Parisite to the warp core to blast him with anti-proton stuff. Janeway tells everyone to get moving. Down at the warp core, Parisite is in an isotopic restraint. His slimy and nearly completely amphibious head gapes around at Engineering. He no longer has a nose, just holes, and he looks like he's sprouting whiskers. Or, feelers? From a Sickbay interface, the Doctor gives directions. Kes reports that the proton bursts aren't working. In the middle of all this, Parisite starts banging his restraints loose, but no one actually notices until he totally breaks free. The Doctor -- only witnessing Torres breathing, "Oh my god," and dashing away from the monitor -- demands to know what's going on. Stuff crashes and bangs. Phasers shoot past the monitor, which is odd, considering that Parisite is on the other side of the monitor, so it would seem that they are all shooting away from Parisite. Helpful. Finally, someone takes out the monitor, and Tuvok announces a security alert. The lights on the ship flash ominously.

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