Episode Report CardKeckler: C- | 5 USERS: C
YOU GRADE IT
The security team beams down and shines their flashlights at Parisite and Janeworm, who squirm up on their stubby front legs and look as concerned as two salamanders crossed with catfish and slugs can look in this situation. Either Parisite or Janeworm humps its slow R.O.U.S. way forward before getting stunned. It's hard to tell if the other catfish-slug really reacts to this before getting stunned itself. So, all this? This is supposed to be evolution? Call me crazy, but it looks like a whole lot of devolving to me. Seriously? If they're all evolved and shit, why were they stupid enough to get stunned? Futhermore, if their brains are big and complex, why are they wobbling around in slime? Why aren't they out using those big brains to write sonnets or cancer cures or code? Their leg things are so stubby, they can't even, like, stand upright. Or pick things up. Or really do much of anything except have sex. Chakotay and Tuvok crouch down and take some scans. Chakotay: "There are traces of human DNA -- it's them. But I have to admit, I'm not sure which one is the captain." Well, that's easy, she's the one with the four rank pips. "The female one, bbviously," Tuvok states, bored. Okay, so which of you is volunteering to roll them over and check that shit out? Suddenly, in a pit between the two salamander-slug-catfish Starfleet officers, baby salamander-slug-catfish things poke their heads out. Yep, they mated. They had some flop-sex, Janeworm was pregnant, and she gave birth. To a slug litter. The babies CGI their way into the pond and swim off. "I...don't know how I'm going to enter this into the log," Chakotay states. "I look forward to reading it," Tuvok comments. Chakotay logs that they decided to leave the babies on the planet, and that Parisite and Janeworm are devolving under the Doctor's tender ministrations. Sickbay. Janeworm is back to normal, and while she sits in an examination gown, staring malevolently at something in Sickbay, the Doctor tells her that he's eradicated all traces of the mutant DNA from her system. "Congratulations, you're human again," the Doctor announces. Janeway thanks him. The Doctor wants Janeway to stay in Sickbay for the next three days for observation. Janeway nods and excuses herself abruptly. Janeway walks over to Paris, who quickly sits up on his medi-bed and clears his throat uncomfortably. "I've thought about having children, but I must say I never considered having them with you," Janeway begins. What a bizarre way to categorize the whole event of salamander sex. Paris gets all uncomfortable, apologizes, and says he doesn't remember very much about..."you know." Janeway raises an eyebrow and asks, "What makes you think it was your idea?" Oh, I don't know, the fact that Parisite attacked and dragged Janeway to the planet in the first place? Settling herself on a medi-bed, Janeway says archly, "Sometimes it's the female of the species that initiates mating." Is the female of the species trying to initiate mating now? Janeway accepts Paris's apology and tells him she's putting him in for a commendation. The salamander sex was that good, huh? I wonder if I should read anything into the fact that Janeway sort of turned into her animal guide from "The Cloud." Maybe she just has a very reptilian energy. "Regardless of the outcome, you did make the first transwarp flight," Janeway adds. Paris thanks her, but still seems uncomfortable. "I guess this whole experience has left me feeling a little overwhelmed -- flying at warp ten, evolving into a new life-form, mating, and having alien offspring..." Janeway admits that he's broken more than one record. Including with her personally. Multiple records. "Breaking the threshold...it was incredible, but somehow it doesn't mean as much as I thought it would. I guess I went into this looking for a quick fix." Paris thought flying at warp ten would change his reputation. It did. Instead of seeing you just as an ex-con, they now all think you're a horny salamander who THREW UP HIS TONGUE. Janeway assures him that he's changed quite a few minds on the ship: "You've earned a lot of people's respect and admiration." As well as disgust and revulsion. "Yeah," Paris admits, "but I'm starting to realize that it's not other people's opinions I should be worried about. It's mine." Great. It took the guy walking in a salamander's shoes to grow up. But we're not done with the cheesy lines -- not by a long shot -- as Paris adds, "It seems, Captain, that I still have a few barriers to break. I just hope they're not theoretical impossibilities." Do you know what is a theoretical impossibility? THIS FREAKIN' EPISODE! "Somehow, I don't think they will be," Janeway says. Uff -- would anyone mind if I threw up my tongue now?