Star Trek
Voyager: “Threshold”

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C- | 7 USERS: C-
The One With The Salamander Sex
I do love this show opening -- I especially adore the part when the instrumental really wants to go into "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" but isn't allowed. It's undeniably awesome when Voyager skims through the space fog, sloughing off reflective light in its manta-ray wake. I admit that I do have this obsession that the Voyager looks exactly like a manta ray with the deflector array for a mouth. Then, when the camera moves through the space pebbles forming a planetary ring, there's this sparkly noise you can hear tingling through the music. It's what PopRocks would sound like if you dumped them down your auditory canal. Man, Enterprise SUCKED for an opening. I mean, just sucked...SO hard. In the Mess, Paris, Kim, and Torres technochat over what went wrong in their threshold pushing. Neelix trots over to be far too cheerful and far too annoying. He thinks he can help them. "Great," Paris drawls. "Do you know anything about quantum warp theory or multi-spectral subspace engine design?" Hey, Paris? I've got a bottle of mezcal right here, and do you know what the worm is saying? "Shut up, Paris!" By the way, the snark in Paris's voice totally guarantees that Neelix is going to solve their problem by relating it to a simplistic problem he once encountered. Of course Neelix doesn't actually know anything about quantum warp theory or multi-spectral subspace engine design, but he professes to be a "quick study," and settles himself in a chair at the table. Torres ignores this and pointedly asks if Neelix has anything to eat. Neelix vaguely gestures something about Kalavian biscuits in the kitchen and starts perusing Paris's pad. Torres waits a beat before making a minor fuss about getting the biscuits herself. She's half Klingon; shouldn't she be used to such hardships of not being waited on hand and foot? Klingons bitch about shit like soft pillows, so I'd think they'd be okay with getting their own damn afternoon snack. After some preliminary hemming and hawing over how long it might take to school Neelix in the background of their problem, Neelix blusters that he spent two years as an engineer's assistant on a freighter and therefore he and warp theory are old friends. Paris gives in and starts to get into the crux of their problem, in that they are trying to break the maximum warp barrier. Kim reminds the rest of us that nothing in the universe can go warp ten. Nothing except the Traveler and his life partner, Wesley. Speaking of which, how come the Traveler never popped up to help Voyager home in the wink of his lashless eye? Is it because they weren't like Mozart? I find that rather snobbish of him. Kim goes on to explain that if you were to travel at warp ten, you'd be traveling at infinite velocity. Neelix translates, "Got it. So that means very fast." Our Prius can go from zero to infinite velocity in sixty seconds, but we don't do it very much because it messes with our MPG. Paris tries to get through to Neelix: "It means that you would occupy every point in the universe simultaneously. In theory, you could go any place in the wink of an eye. Time and distance would have no meaning." Okay, if I start to think about how exactly that works, I go into a very dark rocking place. I've been there before, and it's not pretty. I prefer to go with Neelix's "very fast" approach. As it relates to Voyager's seven-year problem, Kim says that they could be back home in as long as it takes to push a button. Neelix is suitably impressed.

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Star Trek




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