Star Trek
Voyager: “Threshold”

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C- | 7 USERS: C-
The One With The Salamander Sex
After what would be a commercial break, there's still no sign of Paris. They don't think the shuttle was destroyed, but by now he could be anywhere in the universe. I personally think he's back on Earth telling all his former schoolmates how important he is now. Suddenly, in the middle of all this terrifically exciting sensor sweeping, Tuvok announces a quantum surge off the port bow. The sh'pod zings out of subspace, but Janeway can't get a response from Paris. Since Kim reports that Paris is barely alive, Janeway orders him beamed directly to Sickbay and runs off, shouting at Chakotay that he has the Bridge. Chakotay employs the dramatic device of waiting until the person is actually out of auditory range before half-whispering, "Aye, Captain," all dramaqueeny. Yeah, that's something I've noticed about some of the acting on this show -- it's so stagy. Way too many times when something fairly minor happens (well, minor in the great scheme of Starfleet starship captaining), Janeway all but bites the back of her knuckles as she sweeps across the Bridge to make a command decision. I'm blaming it on her Victorian holonovel obsession. Sickbay. Paris is unconscious, and the Doctor proclaims his lifesigns to be of the normal: "From what I can tell, he's just...asleep." "Can you wake him?" Janeway asks, still worried. "I don't see why not," the Doctor says, leaning in. He pauses. "WAKE UP, LIEUTENANT!" he shouts in Paris's ear. HA! Love the Doctor. LOVE him! Paris gasps awake, and Janeway explains what happened and asks if Paris remembers anything. "Oh, yeah, I was staring at the velocity indicator. It said warp ten, and then, as I was watched it, I suddenly realized that I was watching myself." He is so vain. Paris explains that he could see the outside of the shuttle as well as see Voyager and the inside of Voyager. Okay, look, this has to stop. In some small part of my brain that I don't care to examine too intently, I could maybe, possibly, theoretically pretend he could be everywhere in the universe at the same time. However, I don't see how infinite velocity enables him to see through bulkheads. I think he's just making shit up now. I mean, seriously, who is going to prove him wrong at this point? Also? If he were truly everywhere, that would mean he was near enough to Voyager to be picked up on their sensors. Right? Wrong? What? Drink? Okay! "For a moment, I was everywhere. I mean, everywhere, Captain. With the Kazon...back home with the Klingons...other galaxies -- it was all there." So, was he also back in the womb? Anyone's womb, actually. I mean, if he WAS truly everywhere. Where does this all end? Probably extreme ginnification followed by insanity. At least, for me. Paris breathes, "It was like...well, no, it wasn't like anything." "Well," the Doctor interjects, "I'm glad you had a good time." Stop doing my job, Doc! Paris says that he got back to Voyager because he simply saw that they were looking for him, so he took the new engines offline and was back. Easy as that. Torres rushes in to exclaim over Paris and promise that he brought the sh'pod back with nary a scratch. Janeway just manages to get in a whiskied rasp about Paris making the history books, before Paris starts nittering about all the analysis they need to do. He starts to slide off the medi-bed, but the Doctor forces him back: "You're not going anywhere. At least not for a few hours. I have some tests I'd like to run on Your Majesty before I let you back into the realm of ordinary humans." Paris leans back and yawns indulgently.

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